Joe Bob

The Blog of Joe Bob Briggs
Founder, Focus on the Dysfunctional Family

Why Whipkey Whipped Out a Whangdoodle in Weld

07.01.2008 | Comments(18)

On a hot morning last June, Catholic priest Robert Whipkey was jogging naked through Greeley, Colorado–it’s not clear whether he was wearing his clerical collar, but that might look kinda cool–and a cop arrested him for indecent exposure even though he explained that he didn’t want to get his clothes sweaty and it never occurred to him that anyone would actually see his whangdoodle at such an early hour (4:30 a.m.). When Whipkey later explained to a Weld County jury why he had whipped it out, they convicted him in about, oh, 20 seconds. At sentencing he faces up to 18 months in prison, where clerical genitalia is frowned on.

If You Don't Want Branding of 8th Graders, Then Say So!

06.30.2008 | Comments(0)

John Freshwater, an eighth-grade science teacher in Mount Vernon, Ohio, is accused of branding a cross on a student’s arm with a high-voltage electrical device normally used in the classroom to teach the characteristics of gases. Freshwater has been repeatedly warned by the school district not to decorate his class with religious artifacts, not to teach creationism, and not to teach intelligent design, but here’s the important fact that I think should be brought out at the pending federal trial in Columbus: he was never warned by the district not to brand crosses on students. How was he expected to know that?

Will God Regret Selling Crack?

06.29.2008 | Comments(0)

God Lucky Howard was caught with 22 grams of cocaine in his possession after trying to sell some crack to undercover officers outside a Tampa church. Let’s say he gets the maximum number of prison years under Florida law. Isn’t that sort of like saying, “What if Bill Gates gets the maximum fine?”

The First Movie was "Ur: The Beginning"

06.19.2008 | Comments(11)

Archaeologists in Tibet recently discovered the world’s first drive-in theater, which can clearly be discerned in this photo by noting the number of people who ripped the speaker posts out of the ground as they were leaving.

tibet drive-in

Thanks to Bill Henslee of El Lago, Texas, for alerting the media to the probable reason that an entire nation turned to increasingly hallucinatory versions of Buddhism after their drive-ins became extinct, although Henslee theorizes that the gift of the drive-in was bestowed by aliens who parked here three millennia ago then returned to their planet. We are not alone.

I Got Your Stonehenge Right Here

06.19.2008 | Comments(2)

Stephen Price of Clydach, South Wales, enrolled in Trefeca College, a religious retreat and conference center, in order to become a Presbyterian lay clergyman, but claims he was driven away from the faith by a sex-obsessed female manager named Mair Jones READ MORE...

Do Not Suffer a Woman to Neglect Thy Soiled Raiment

06.17.2008 | Comments(9)

A man in Genoa, Italy, found his ex-girlfriend drinking in a bar, dragged her out to his car, took her home, and forced her to iron his clothes and wash his dishes. The man was arrested on charges of kidnapping, which I thought was a little harsh, considering that this is exactly what Paul suggests be done in 2 Timothy whenever a woman becomes so unaware of her place in the universe that her ironing gene becomes sublimated. There’s a reason she was drinking. She had become disoriented and lost the inner GPS system that tells her where the kitchen is.

Sometimes Torquemada Does Have the Answer

06.17.2008 | Comments(3)

In the city cathedral of Cesena, Italy, a “goth-rock couple”–whatever that is–were caught in a confessional having oral sex, and were promptly thrown into the local hoosegow, where they admitted to being atheists. READ MORE...

I Got Your Craniosacral Right Here, Babe

06.16.2008 | Comments(7)

Just out of curiosity, I decided to look up the pastor who conducted the much ballyhooed baptism at Boston’s baseball shrine, Fenway Park, where little Ryan Rogers, son of Brian Rogers, was sprinkled, because I assumed it would be an earthy Irish Catholic priest who was a big baseball fan. Uh-uh. Not even close. READ MORE...

Wasn’t Cocaine Jesus a Hippie Song?

06.11.2008 | Comments(12)

Bernardino Garcia-Cordova was arrested for paying a woman to carry a seven-pound religious statue across the border at Laredo, Texas, when the colorfully painted statue--which might have been Joseph and might have been Jesus--turned out to be made entirely of cocaine.

Runaw–uh, Walkaway Train

05.22.2008 | Comments(3)

A 47-car freight train left Toledo while no one was aboard
and traveled 70 miles on its own. CSX engineers chased it with an engine and attached the engine to the rear of the train to slow it to ten miles per hour near Kenton, Ohio, so that engineer Jon Hosfeld could jump on and stop it. Amtrak passengers, still waiting for their Toledo connections, asked that the runaway train be added to the daily Amtrak schedule, preferably with no humans attached.

They Love the Old Testament in Omaha

05.19.2008 | Comments(14)

Grace University, the Omaha Bible college, is asking alumni to donate money for Commemorative Plagues. For a gift of $5,000, your plague will be embedded for three years on the doorpost over a classroom, presumably so that all the students inside can be slain. Since there are only ten Biblical plagues–bloody water, frogs, gnats, flies, dead cows, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, and slaying of the first-born–and since the university wants to raise a total of $100,000, they’re gonna need at least ten more plagues, so I would recommend Bubonic, smallpox, Spanish flu, Black Death, malaria, cholera, typhus, anthrax, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, and herpes. That would be enough money to decimate 20 classrooms for three years, and you can dedicate your disease and/or natural disaster to a loved one. Just don’t pick a first born, that would be in poor taste.

Commemorative Plague

Nekkid Java

05.19.2008 | Comments(1)

The Resistance, a Christian organization in San Diego, is calling for a nationwide boycott of the new Starbucks logo, because it shows too much of the mermaid’s boobs, plus they’re not too crazy about what she’s doing with her tail, either. Thanks to state-of-the-art Wittenburg Door information technology, we were able to enlarge the Starbucks mermaid and study her breasts in detail, READ MORE...

You Call This an Intergalactic Army?

05.15.2008 | Comments(4)

During a meeting of the Jedi Faith Church in Holyhead, Anglesey, England, two cousins were fighting with light sabers when Arwel Wynn Hughes, clad in a black plastic garbage bag, leapt over a wall, shouting "Darth Vader!" and wielding a crutch which he used to bash Barney Jones on the back of his head and hit Michael Jones in the leg before laughing maniacally and running away. Hughes was eventually apprehended and sentenced to alcohol rehabilitation and restitution of medical costs, but the larger issue here is why, if the Jedi Church was in full convocation at the time of the assault, were the members unable to repel a single Vader invader from their midst. The answer is that the church was in England, where the outer form is maintained but the inner faith is lacking.

Holy Sand Not Authentic

05.13.2008 | Comments(4)

A Bolivian dressed as a priest stepped off the Lima-to-Amsterdam flight, intending to take another plane to Milan, when the Dutch Royal Military Police asked him to consent to a search. He replied that his religion didn't allow him to be searched READ MORE...

What Happened to the Underwear?

05.12.2008 | Comments(14)

Ninety-year-old Magdeline Alvina Middlesworth of Necedah, Wisconsin, keeled over dead while Tammy Lewis was helping the elderly woman into her underwear. Not sure what to do, the devout Lewis, also known as Sister Mary Bernadett, called her superior, Bishop Alan Bushey, who told her to leave the body on the toilet and pray really really hard and she would come back to life. READ MORE...

The Relationship Could Have Been Saved by Vegetarianism

05.08.2008 | Comments(13)

After Christopher Lee McCuin was booked into the Smith County Jail in Tyler, Texas, on charges of murdering and possibly eating the flesh of his girlfriend, the county sheriff received a letter from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals requesting that McCuin be placed on an all-vegetarian diet while in jail so that he could not be “involved in any senseless killing.” At first jail officials thought the letter was a hoax, but the Tyler Morning Telegraph interviewed the author, PETA Vice President Bruce Friedrich, who confirmed he had written it and said it was not intended to be funny. READ MORE...

It's Not Your Father's Thunderbird

05.06.2008 | Comments(8)

Wal-Mart announced that it is going into the wine business, teaming up with Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce an affordable ($6 to $8) bottle of *vino* for the masses. The principal red varietal will be a charming little number called Arkansas Beaujolais, made of muscatel READ MORE...

Wow, and Bow

05.06.2008 | Comments(3)

Selva Kumar, a 33-year-old man from a village in southern India, killed two dogs in 1992 and, four days later, was stricken with paralysis. Fifteen years of medical treatments failed to improve his condition, so he consulted an astrologer who told him that he was cursed because of killing the dogs, and that the only way to lift the curse was to marry a dog. READ MORE...

It’s Actually a Form of Birth Control

05.04.2008 | Comments(3)

In Northern Ireland, line-dancing was officially banned by the Free Presbyterian Church. The Presbyterians have always been opposed to normal dancing, but line-dancing has become increasingly popular at Protestant weddings. Now the Rev. Ian Paisley has officially denounced it, saying line-dancing "sullies the sanctity of the ceremony" and that it's "aiding and abetting fleshly lusts which war against the soul." READ MORE...

Angry Lesbians from Lesbos Take On Deluded Wannabe Lesbos Calling Themselves Lesbian

05.01.2008 | Comments(12)

Three Lesbians (capital “L”) are suing an organization of lesbians (lower case “l”) for calling themselves Lesbians (capital “L”) in the name of their organization, which is the Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece. Dimitris Lambrou, a male Lesbian, traveled from Mytilene, the capital of the island of Lesbos, to Athens to file the suit, pointing out as he did that natives of Lesbos have been called Lesbians for thousands of years READ MORE...

Let the Beef Critter Chow Down

05.01.2008 | Comments(3)

Broderick Lloyd Laswell of Bentonville, Arkansas, is suing the Benton County Jail for putting him on a starvation diet that has caused him to lose more than a hundred pounds. When he was first booked for murder, Laswell weighed 413 pounds, but after just eight months in jail, he was down to a frail 308. There’s obviously something wrong with a prison system that uses hunger as a means of manipulation and control, and if Broderick goes under 280, I say we go to the feeding tube before we have another Terri Shiavo situation on our hands.

Dangling Privileges Endangered in Florida

04.29.2008 | Comments(13)

The Florida Senate passed a bill banning the display of fake bull testicles that dangle from trailer hitches, but the bill still has to get through the House of Representatives, which has historically had a majority of lawmakers who enjoy testicle displays and who, in fact, frequently employ fake ones on the floor of the House, usually in the service of bull.

At Least She Was Working on the Relationship

04.27.2008 | Comments(3)

Sheriff’s deputies responding to a disturbance call at a Motel 6 in Hagerstown, Maryland, asked James Jackson why he had a car key embedded in his temple, just above his right ear. Jackson explained—before being admitted for key-removal surgery READ MORE...

Dr. Dobson Would Like the Corporal Part Anyway

04.25.2008 | Comments(3)

A middle school in Siberia has a new plan for dealing with
children who misbehave. If the problem can't be solved after monthly conversations with the local Commission for Children and Adolescents, businesses have agreed to release the child's father from work so that he can attend school with his child. READ MORE...

The Chainmail Is One Thing, the Blackmail Comes Later When the Kid Is Grown and the Pictures Turn Up on Facebook

04.24.2008 | Comments(5)

If you’ve ever wondered who invented the popular Armor of God children’s pajamas, which are based on Ephesians 6:10-18 and look like a cross between a competitive kung fu uniform and the Crusader chainmail worn by Raymond IV of Saint-Gilles if he had added footies, the answer is Shirley Rogers of Lake City, Florida, and Peggy Wakefield of Spartanburg, South Carolina, who offer the complete boy’s PJ’s (traditional Roman-style helmet) for $39.95 READ MORE...

Sometimes You Have to Protect Your Soul

04.22.2008 | Comments(3)

When a 66-year-old Seattle woman changed the channel of the television in the common room of an assisted living complex because she wanted to watch a religious program, she was challenged by another woman, a resident of the complex in her early sixties, who eventually grabbed a six-inch kitchen knife and stabbed the channel-switcher in the abdomen. READ MORE...

Jackie Chan Has Left the Building

04.22.2008 | Comments(1)

The real Shaolin Temple, not to be confused with the classic 1982 kung fu movie of the same name, installed luxury restrooms worth $340,000 so that tourists visiting the Beijing Olympics who want to see where they filmed Silver Hermit From Shaolin Temple (1979) won’t be inconvenienced by the monk latrines which, for all we know, were constructed to be intentionally primitive to challenge the discipline of the fighters, as in 18 Shaolin Disciples (1976), not to mention the challenged bladder of The Shaolin Drunken Monk (1982).

Pope Benedict, Please Keep Looking For It, Have You Checked Under the Bed?

04.18.2008 | Comments(11)

The Holy Prepuce—which is the, ahem, foreskin of Jesus—has been missing since 1983, but all the bishops and priests who might be able to shed light on the matter of its whereabouts have been silenced by papal decree. Therefore The Wittenburg Door put in a formal request for an audience with the Pope this week, READ MORE...

Besides Everything Else, Bob, It’s a Cliche

04.16.2008 | Comments(7)

Robert Baldwin of Gonic, New Hampshire, stuffed an entire package of bologna down his pants and had to be apprehended by authorities for disgusting use of luncheon meats. The official charge was “willful concealment,” which is a misnomer since Baldwin was obviously engaging in willful enhancement, but he was sentenced in Portsmouth District Court to 40 hours of community service, and at least a portion of that time will involve learning the proper usages of all sausages, salamis, bratwursts, knackwursts, kielbasas, and, need we point out, wieners.

Look, It's Just Dutch People, Forget It

04.14.2008 | Comments(3)

Eileen Issa of Macungie, Pennsylvania, checked out a children’s book called King & King from the Lower Macungie Public Library and started reading it to her two-year-old son. The story, by Dutch authors Linda de Haan and Stern Nifland, is about an overbearing queen who demands that her son marry a princess, but he marries a prince instead, and the final scene has the two men holding hands and exchanging a kiss of marital bliss at the altar. The ending made her “sick,” said the mom, and she demanded that the library remove the book from circulation, even though there had been no previous complaints about homosexually-themed children’s books translated from the Dutch. The library board decided to leave the book alone, lest Dutch homosexuals feel estranged from Greater Macungie society.