By Jamie Crossan

  • Prisons would be renamed "Love the Sinner Hate the Sin Tough Love™ Community Intervention Centers."
  • Coveting your neighbor’s ass would be a capital offense.
  • The Bible Belt would be replaced by The God Delusion Neck-tie.
  • Taco Bell would be renamed The Rob Bell All-Food-Is-Spiritual-Ethno-Dining Experience (after first being called Rob Bell’s Everything Is Velvet Sex-Mex for, oh, about two days).
  • “Thou shalt make war” would be enshrined as the 11th commandment.
  • Rick Warren would be elected President for Life, after Jesus declines the offer.
  • Billy Graham's face would be carved into Mount Rushmore.
  • The message on the Statue of Liberty--Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free--would be replaced with "God helps those who help themselves."
  • The Washington Monument would be demolished, due to its resemblance to a giant . . . well, you know.
  • McDonald's, Oprah Winfrey and the state of Michigan would become wholly owned subsidiaries of Zondervan.
  • There would be liberty and justice for all. Except atheists, socialists, pro-choicers, gays, New-Agers, Marilyn Manson, Mexicans, and possibly the Mormons.
  • The Constitution would be replaced with The Purpose Driven Life.
  • The capital would be moved to Lynchburg, Virginia.
  • The U.S. would take a more active part in bringing on the Rapture by nuking Mecca.
  • Benny Hinn would be named Secretary of Health, Bob Tilton Secretary of the Treasury, Dr. Creflo A. Dollar the Surgeon General, and James Dobson the head of the Environmental Protection Agency.
  • The Pledge of Allegiance would be replaced with the sinner's prayer.
  • The word of knowledge would become the CIA's primary weapon in the War on Terror, as water-boarding is replaced with 24-hour exposure to TBN.


Anonymous | 11:02 am on 7/08/2009

Ask yourself, would I be safe if conservative Christians are in charge?

luki tradycyjne | 11:47 am on 12/25/2009

You write awsome article, thank you for interesting read

Hugh Boo | 08:01 pm on 10/07/2010

You guys are really mean. These guys you make fun of funded all the hate stuff and made us really look like idiotic Christians. When Jesus flies in the sky you lunatics will be left here with Obama and Bin Laden. And Obama is a Bible Believing Christian who loves Justic and hates the white man brother you know what I mean. Holy Cow. Holy Smokes. Holy b Jesus. What is this world coming to. What I need now is love sweet love, Love your neighbor and your friends and your enemies, your cats and dogs and the lamb on the farm and the long snake and the butterfly and the flying saucer and finally peanut butter, crunchy. The button is undone and the star in the sky is going out soon. Dill pickles have a lot of salt and cucumbers are mostly water. My foot is now size 13 and the socks dont fit right.

Bless you.

Anonymous | 12:34 am on 1/03/2011

A Prayer From Jesus

It's finally come down to this, I knew it would eventually. Unfortunately for YOU, who have missed the mark, which means you are going to hell. Your portion will be in the lake of fire. Don't be offended at me, it's your preacher, or that radio personality, even that man that told you that you are saved, blame them. Then again when your screaming in the pit it really doesn't matter whose at fault, does it. For it is your responsibility to know the way of salvation.

Why? You ask. Simply, you trusted man to lead you to Christ. Not once have you asked Jesus if you are saved. If you did you never waited for an answer. There is only one that we should ask on how to be saved, that is Christ Jesus.

Jesus has made it easy for you to know where you will stand on the last day. Pray this Prayer, and Jesus will answer all who diligently seeks Him.

These are the last days, This is your last chance.
Pray the Prayer, and KNOW!


This prayer is from Jesus that we may hear from Him, that He may speak to our hearts. It only consist of three simple steps.

1) We need to read one scripture. This will focus us in the word that brings everlasting life.

2) Since this prayer is from Jesus we need to direct our prayer to Him personally. Too often Christian focuses they're prayer's to G_D the father. Scripture proclaims that Jesus should be the focus of our prayer.

3) The simplest part of this Prayer is to ask Jesus one question. Please, all that is required for this question is that it should be simple. Let Jesus Himself finish the question when He gives you that understanding through this prayer.


The scripture that is the focus of this prayer is "ACTS 2:38". It's not necessary to do any study into this scripture. Jesus Himself will give you the understanding that will resonate in your heart. Just read Acts 2:38, keep it in your heart and take this one scripture to prayer

The most important part of this prayer is that we need to direct our prayer directly to Jesus. If you normally would say Father in your prayer, change your focus from the Father to Christ Jesus, by lifting Jesus name up every time you would normally use Father in your prayer.

Maybe the hardest part of this prayer is the question that we need to ask Jesus. For man as we are, always trying to understand the question instead of listening to the answer. The simplest question is all that is required.

Simply ask Jesus 'WHY'

For those who are obedient

ME | 02:30 pm on 1/29/2011

Wow. You are a boob. That;s the most self serving, self rightous, hell loving, self effacing thing I could have read today. Maybe you should stop talking about who is going to hell, and maybe tie the shoe of a child, or feed a hungry person, there you will find the face of god himself, and not in you selfish self glorifying, send yourself to heaven while condemning the world theology.

Zane | 02:24 pm on 1/29/2011

this is funny because it is basically true. Evangelicals in the USA are mostly blind, obedient ,unquestioning minions for the church and it's ambitions as opposed to actually being the body of Christ here on Earth. But don't worry, there will be another Christian book alongside a great DVD set of curriculum which will tell you how to denounce everything I just said. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go wipe my ass with "The Purpose Driven Life".

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