Skippy R's picture
04.01.2008 | Comments(4)

Sticky-tab Spirituality

Followers of a spiritual group called Summum want to add their "Seven Aphorisms" to a Ten Commandments display in a park in Pleasant Grove, Utah.

Summum (as in summum bonum, Latin for "the greatest good") adheres to the teachings of the Gnostic Gospels and promotes... mummification. They believe Moses received two sets of stone tablets on Mount Sinai -- one inscribed with the usual Commandments, the other containing seven divine principles: psychokinesis (the power of the mind to control objects), correspondence, vibration, opposition, rhythm, cause and effect, and gender.

OK. This seems not only superfluous but tacky. Besides making a total of 17 things, a number that has no spiritual significance in any discipline, it might open the floodgates to sticky-tab spirituality. Next we'll be seeing extra blessings tacked on to the Sermon on the Mount, like "Blessed are the mummies, for they shall leave well enough alone" or some such thing. Really, do we want constant tinkering with our established cliches?

In a previous post, I rambled on about launching my mortal remains to the lunar surface. The Summum group has a more down-to-earth approach--mummification. The practice "assists the progression of one's essence," they claim.

"Some decisions are too important to leave to anyone else. Modern mummification is available through funeral homes worldwide. Please have your local funeral home contact us to begin making arrangements."

There's even a creepy "kids" version of the website featuring a character called Mummy Bear.

"In 26,486 BCE, a small, fluffy, bear is born in Atlantis. His name is Ankh Amon...."

Children are supposed follow his adventures and learn the origins of mummification. (The label on the bear's downloaded image says his name is actually Verne. Hmm).

All this got me to thinking--could the Antichrist himself be lurking within these web pages? I wheeled out the Beastie Machine, poured a cup of java and started entering cryptic phrases to send through the gematria converter.

"Bad old Mummy Bear Verne" totaled only 634, not quite 666, the fabled Number of the Beast mentioned in the Book of Revelation.

The rest of the afternoon was spent crossing off adjectives that didn't quite capture the slippery, demonic little furball. (I guess his essence kept progressing or something).

Finally I typed in "bad dead zombie Mummy Bear Verne" and punched the red button. The gears screeched as the numbers popped up in the viewscreen: "6-6-7."

Close enough for the Acrostic Gospels. Summum Bonum, ipso facto, ex libris, ecce homo.

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Deacon Spears | 11:16 pm on 4/01/2008

Son, do you have the authorized KJV?
My Grandma had an autographed copy.
It was heavy. Enough to smack my brain againt the other side of my skull.
What are you babbling about.
Why are you talking in LATIN.
Say it in ENGLISH, just like Christ did.

Optimus Prime | 09:45 am on 4/02/2008

"Mummified Teddy Bears" would be a great name for a rock band.

SRebbe | 10:51 am on 4/02/2008

Psychokinesis exists -- ask any emotionally-stunted adult.

60613 | 08:27 am on 4/03/2008

I envision an elaborate religious rite where priests dressed as giant Care Bears invoke various prayers and holy gestures that lead up to the climactic moment - the mass telekinetic transportation of a pyramid of human mummies into a giant toy box.

The holiest moment is at the end - when a giant jack-in-the-box playing "Pop Goes The Weasle" opens to reveal a gigantic crucifix with Christ dressed as a teddy bear bobs on the end of a spring.

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