Noah's Blog

07/09/2008


Day 1
Rain.

Day 2
Rain.

Day 3
Rain.

Day 4
Rain.

Day 5
Rain.

Day 6
So I was loading up the last of the animals last week when I walk past my neighbor Roger, the Molech-worshipper. He looks up and says "Hey, looks like rain."

True story.

Day 7
Now wondering if it was wrong to have borrowed Roger’s hedge clippers.

Day 15
It’s been the same every day for the last two weeks, but then last night, our mama elephant gave birth. I’ll put up some pics soon.

Day 16
Baby Elephant
Just look at this little guy. We need to name him something. Anybody have an idea?

Day 18
Note to self: next time I’m on a long cruise and I want to play badminton and I only have one birdie, play below deck. I’m so stupid.

Day 20
I hesitate to write this down, but here goes. . . .

I was working late last night when I felt something bite the back of my neck. Without thinking, I slapped it. Long story short, the new world might have to do without the zhingi-zhingi fly.

Day 25
New Year’s Day. A few resolutions for this year:

- Lose weight (let’s face it, I’m not 300 years old anymore)

- Work out more

- Read the entire Bible (there’s only four chapters in the whole thing, you think I would have done this one already)

-After we land, once a week: date night with the missus.

Day 27
Not to diss my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather, but I’ve been hanging out with animals a lot, too, and I think I would have named some of them differently…

ADAM’S NAME MY VERSION
Rabbit Hoppity-hoppity

Dog Rowrf

Bat EEEEEEEEEE!!!

Duck Waddle-waddle-flap-flap

Day 31
You guys read this blog. You know I love my wife, right? But I swear, sometimes she just gets on my nerves.

"The roof is leaking, Noah."

"Noah, the sheep are soaking wet because the roof is leaking."

You know what? Sometimes Noah just needs a little Noah Time, okay?

Day 35
Here’s an item from the "you-learn-something-every-day" category: Hippo lovemaking is very, very noisy. Haven’t slept in five days.

P.S. I counted every knot in the cypress wood of the ship: 12,946.

Day 39
Uno Cards
Somehow Ham keeps winning at UNO. Does he have a secret stash of Draw 4’s?

Correction: Earlier I wrote that the wood of our ship has 12,946 knots. However, I forgot to include the cover on the top deck. I included that, then recounted the entire thing three more times, just to be sure.

We have 14,598 knots.

Day 45
Okay, so when God said he would make it rain forty days and forty nights, I assumed that we would be done after that. Apparently I was wrong.

Day 87
Very, very wrong.

Day 110
The wife says I’m getting paranoid, but I believe the primates are conspiring to mutiny. Can’t talk, more later.

Day 150
We’ve landed on top of some kind of mountain. More later.

Day 190
Sent out a dove, but it came back.

Day 197
Noah Dove
This time, the dove came back with an olive branch. Going now to ask the wife if she has any recipes with doves and olives.

Day 204
Sent the dove out again today to bring back some more olives for dinner, but it didn’t come back. So good news is we may be off the boat and onto dry land soon. Bad news: Mrs. Noah’s Greek Dove Souffle is a no-go.

Day 231
So we’re on land now. Yay! Big thanks to everybody who wrote to check on us. BTW, my new e-mail address is noah@mtararat.com. I’ll still post from time to time, to keep you guys up to date. To answer a question that so many of you have asked, no, I don’t have a MySpace page yet.

Man, I could really use a drink.

 

Cush’s Essay
Here’s something my grandson Cush wrote for a school assignment. . . .

MY DAD
by Cush, age 7

My dad, his first name is Ham, was on a big boat one time. They floated around for more than a year. That’s a long time!! They said when they got off the boat, the ground was really squishy. YUCK! We still have the boat and I play in it sometimes and have lots of fun.

The eNd.

 

Noah’s Favorite Drinks

Drowned Unicorn
Cranberry juice 1 pim
Orange juice 1 pim
Strawberry schnapps 1 pim
Vodka 1 pim

Add the vodka and strawberry schnapps to a highball glass filled with ice cubes. Use equal parts of cranberry and orange juice to fill the glass. Serve with a straw.

 

Mt. Ararat Iced Tea
Tequila 1 shekel
Vodka 1 shekel
Gin 1 shekel
Triple sec 1 shekel
Coke 1 shekel
Rum 1 shekel

Mix ingredients together over ice in a glass.

 

Rainbow Shooter
Creme De Noya 1 pim
Midori 1 pim
White Creme De Cacao 1 pim

Pour into shot glass in said order

 

Ark Mania!
Everybody’s been writing me, asking for blueprints. Honestly, I didn’t have any. If you’ve read the story, you know everything about building an ark that I do. I will say this: don’t skimp on the pitch. Seriously.

Thanks to everyone who’s been sending in pics of the arks they’ve built (see below). Keep ‘em coming!

About Noah’s Blog

NOAH
Because of Noah’s righteousness, God chose him to be part of an incredible adventure. You can read more about him in Genesis, chapters 5-9.

MATTHEW PORTER
Answering a vague--and badly misspelled--post on craigslist, Matthew became a part of making Noah’s story into the blog you’re reading now.


Comments(109)

Anonymous | 08:47 am on 4/23/2009

beautiful, just beautiful!!!

(:

Anonymous | 08:47 am on 4/23/2009

beautiful, just beautiful!!!

(:

Anonymous | 08:47 am on 4/23/2009

beautiful, just beautiful!!!

(:

Anonymous | 11:52 am on 4/25/2009

Truly creative and entertaining fiction. Almost as creative and entertaining as the original!

mayes | 06:14 am on 5/05/2009

i pray to God that we will not do sins like Noah's time

mayes
The Bible

Craigslist marketing | 11:22 am on 5/10/2009

Cool blog, i have bookmarked it for future referrence

Craigslist marketing | 11:22 am on 5/10/2009

Cool blog, i have bookmarked it for future referrence

Craigslist marketing | 11:22 am on 5/10/2009

Cool blog, i have bookmarked it for future referrence

Craigslist marketing | 11:22 am on 5/10/2009

Cool blog, i have bookmarked it for future referrence

Craigslist marketing | 11:22 am on 5/10/2009

Cool blog, i have bookmarked it for future referrence

Craigslist marketing | 11:22 am on 5/10/2009

Cool blog, i have bookmarked it for future referrence

Craigslist marketing | 11:22 am on 5/10/2009

Cool blog, i have bookmarked it for future referrence

jenny | 10:21 am on 6/10/2009

very funny. Thanks for this. I look forward to reading Jeremiah's

BlindGoofy | 04:59 pm on 6/13/2009

Assuming we're pretending to be around in Noah's time in some kind of technological time warp, who is reading the blog? Computers don't float, and we're all dead!

Mia Rencontre | 02:51 pm on 7/07/2009

This is absolutely hilarious. It's one of those ideas you wish were yours :)

Jordan | 09:19 pm on 7/20/2009

You have a way with writing!

Where did you keep the baby dinosaurs?

Siarlys Jenkins | 12:56 pm on 8/22/2009

This site hasn't posted anything new in a year or so. For slightly newer stuff, try

http://windowsonwittenberg.blogspot.com/

If you have some new material, post it as a comment, and I'll consider posting it as a post. Include your non de plume.

sts | 05:47 pm on 8/26/2009

Good work , very interesting content, bookmarked your blog
regards khhudf

Anonymous | 01:53 pm on 10/19/2009

Why on earth would you make a joke about something as big as this. If we were to find the Ark do any of you honestly know how many people onthis earth would convert to Christianity. If the turkish people would allow us to cross there borders and search the Mountain of Ararat in depth we would prevail.

sts | 06:40 am on 10/20/2009

a lot of rainy days..

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Anonymous | 07:26 pm on 10/25/2009

salut ca va 3lik

Anonymous | 09:36 am on 11/12/2009

Noah's beer...Flood Lite!! (oldy but goody)

Anonymous | 07:00 pm on 12/03/2009

Oh my goodness. What a laugh! I have never thought of the story this way. My brother and I just about split a gut reading these posts. Thanks for putting it together.

fajerwerki sklep | 05:23 pm on 12/17/2009

interesting blog, bookmarked for the future referrence, what template do you use ?

luki sklep | 11:32 am on 12/23/2009

This article is very interesting, keep us posting..

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Fx Boss | 03:48 am on 1/15/2010

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Royal | 02:47 am on 1/31/2010

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New York | 12:05 pm on 4/05/2010

Not only a nice writing but a refreshing one. I enjoy a lot. Actually such style and idea gives life to the presentation.
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Mega bank nepal | 06:31 am on 4/07/2010

Really cool blog.....interesting to read and i couldn't stop my laughter....
Regards,

Justin Danksagung | 01:58 pm on 4/14/2010

LOL...very funny! Thanks a lot for that post!

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bio-ethanol fireplace | 09:30 am on 6/02/2010

Could you imagine if noah actually had a blog?

Ricky | 09:32 am on 6/02/2010

I could never see noah blogging, that's about as believable as him curling up next to a bio-ethanol fireplace

Edible Fruit Arrangement | 03:36 pm on 6/13/2010

It is a funny story but with a great message. I had intention to visit the Noah's arc but here I met real Noah's grand...son expert in satires. Thanks for the beautiful post.

Air Conditioner Prices | 03:06 pm on 6/16/2010

It is a right post to relax and refresh oneself by laughing away the stress and strain of the period we live in. Thanks for the funny post to read and enjoy.

Anny | 01:24 am on 7/13/2010

Beautiful, I like it. Well, Well,have U heard about the phentermine tablets that are effective for weight loss?

Jess | 07:55 am on 7/16/2010

Yes it is just beautiful.. no other words to express. Just take care of small kid ( Baby Elephant ):) Also are U aware about the phentermine tablets that are taken for weight loss?Are they safe to have it regularly?

Simmy | 09:41 am on 7/17/2010

Yes it is just beautiful.. no other words to express. Just take care of small kid ( Baby Elephant ):) Also are U aware about the Phentermine tablets that are taken for weight loss?Are they safe to have it regularly?

Anonymous | 02:04 pm on 7/17/2010

Yes it is just beautiful.. no other words to express. Just take care of small kid ( Baby Elephant ):) Also are U aware about the Phentermine tablets that are taken for weight loss?Are they safe to have it regularly?

Alice C. Linsley | 07:51 pm on 8/03/2010

Great stuff, but what about the rainbow?

I'm going to post a link to this at my blog - Just Genesis. It floats my boat.

bible lessons | 11:47 am on 8/10/2010

What fun, thank you. I know I sure can use a laugh throughout the day. I did look for noah's facebook profile. And you are correct the world looks much better after Rainbow Shooters but I'm not sure on the pim measurement. oh well.

global | 09:15 am on 9/01/2010

I am happy to find this post very useful for me, as it contains lot of information. I always prefer to read the quality content and this thing I found in you post. Thanks for sharing.

Mesothelioma | 07:27 am on 9/13/2010

Oh he's so cute... that is so lovely..
I'm so glad to read this story. Thank You:-)

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