Gallagher Humiliated, Wins May Indulgence Award06/16/2008
I don’t know about you, but when I think comedy, I think Cracked magazine. And one of the most relentless Cracked hacks is Danny Gallagher, a New Orleanian transplanted to Texas who just catapulted to Internet fame by winning the Door’s May Indulgence Awards for his article, “The 10 Worst Movies About Jesus (Not Including Passion of the Christ Because That Would Be Too Easy),” which snuck in under the monthly wire on the 28th and resulted in Dannyboy being awarded 6,666 days off his sentence in Purgatory, which, judging by the sheer amount of work he’s had published in Cracked, not to mention the McKinney Courier-Gazette, is not likely to get him paroled in any millennium soon.
First runner-up in the Indulgence Awards, which are given to freelancers only, causing enormous discontent among the unpaid staff, was New York’s busiest gadabout, Becky Garrison, who scored twice with “Drink Emergent-C! (But Drink the Kool-Aid First),” her send-up of the Emergent Church movement, followed by her trenchant review of Forgiving the Franklins, “What If Jesus Told You to Have More Sex?” Becky receives one of those golden tarantulas that Arnold Vosloo spit up in The Mummythey’re great for fending off demons.
Second runner-up is Aaron Alford, whose “Getting Real About Reality in Real Time, Really” is probably the funniest thing ever written about Rob Bell, who is not normally a barrel of cavorting simians. Aaron can skip every businessman’s prayer breakfast for the rest of recorded time.
Leann Long was close behind Aaron with her “Midwestern Christian Girl Still Single at 22,” revealing the shocking truth about that slut in Springtown, Missouri. Leann will be released from all obligations to pretend to pray at sporting events for the remainder of her ambulatory years.
Speaking of classic parodies, Al Speegle Jr. scored big-time when he somehow came up with an advance reading copy of Donald Miller’s next book, Bark Like a Scab, which he excerpted in the article “Is That Jesus In the Next Port-o-let?” Al will now be allowed to kill afterlife time by watching any movie he wants on the big screen of the late lamented Century Drive-In in Al’s hometown of Grand Prairie, Texas.
Kevin Frank’s “Burning Bush” cartoon was stunning in its simplicity, but even more stunning in that he let us have it instead of selling it to Cracked. Kevin wins the right to put bamboo shoots under the fingernails of any Kirby Vacuum Cleaner salesman that he finds in Purgatory, without consequence to his own sentence.
Sixth runner-up is Heidi Martinuzzi, for “Holy Blood, Holy Vodka Bottle,” her review of the latest weirdbeard documentary about Mary Magdalene, Bloodline. Heidi becomes eligible for a Chuck Norris treadmill, which she can take with her to any level of heaven, hell or Purgatory.
And finally, all knowledge of primitive Baptist foot-washing rituals will be removed from the memory of three other May contributors: Dale Dobson, whose “Good News for Postmodern Man” is a hilarious summary of the next dozen Good News Bibles; Christopher Coffman, whose “Fairway to Heaven” revealed Rod Parsley’s plan to reveal God through golf; and Todd Outcalt, who said everything you want to know about churchgoing hypocrisy in “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.”