Mark Driscoll Kicks His Own Ass


By Jesse Benjamin

Mark Driscoll, Pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, took a dramatic stand against girly men at a Pastor’s Conference in Houston last week.

The conference, called “re:tool and re:load,” previously billed as “jesus 2.0,” featured speakers from around the country with the stated focus of “Making the Gospel and Missiology Relevant to Post Modern Culture.” Speaking at the last session of the conference, Driscoll focused his three-and-a-half-hour talk on the need for pastors to be more alpha.

“The problem with our churches today is that the lead pastor is some sissy boy who wears cardigan sweaters, has The Carpenters dialed in on his iPod, gets his hair cut at a salon instead of a barber shop, hasn’t been to an Ultimate Fighting match, works out on an elliptical machine instead of going to isolated regions of Russia like in Rocky IV in order to harvest lumber with his teeth, and generally swishes around like Jack from Three’s Company whenever Mr. Roper was around.”

Driscoll Hands

Pacing the stage in a vaguely threatening manner, Driscoll focused on Biblical examples. “Jesus and Paul were serious dudes. They had teeth missing. Jesus was a carpenter, Paul was in prison. These guys didn’t eat tofu dogs and bean sprouts. They didn’t play tennis. If there were trucks back in their times, they would have been doing driveway lube jobs on a Saturday afternoon. Same thing with King David. Yeah, he might have played a lyre, but he slaughtered thousands of guys.”

The 300 pastors from around the country roared with approval, even though many of them had heard the same labored formulations at previous conferences called “reGeneration” and “resurge and reform.”

“At the Re:Ignite conference he talked about how Jesus and Peter didn’t wear matching sweatshirts that said ‘Best Buds’,” said John Kinston, a conference attendee who was live-blogging the event.

Kinston is emblematic of the many young pastors who support Driscoll. He planted Kiona Community Church three years ago in downtown Louisville, Kentucky. He attends 37 Mark Driscoll conferences each year, because he said he needs the support of fellow church planters and the inspiration of steroidal statistics.

“Numbers aren’t important, but we’ve grown 81.7% a year since our launch date and I still can’t get the guys to step up and be warriors," said Kinston. "We want to love our city and we can’t do that with a bunch of pansies who would rather play video games than go to a monster truck rally or tattoo their faces like Mike Tyson.

Driscoll Mullet

“At last year’s Converging Conference, Driscoll talked about standing up when you piss and I got really excited. We started a men’s-only Bible Accountability Group. It was a combination of scripture study and Muy Thai Stick Fighting. It was great for a few weeks, until my worship pastor lost an eye. I had to make a tough call then and there: no more Muy Thai Stick Fighting at Kiona Community without protective face gear. I still think it might have been a spiritual compromise.”

In Houston, Driscoll was intent on making absolutely clear that he is in favor of masculinity. At the 2 hour, 15 minute mark, he invited five pastors from the audience to take the stage, put his hands behind his back, stuck out his chin, and said, “Hit me with your best shot. Go on. I won’t hit you back. I want to show everyone what this is all about.” When none of the five took a swing, Driscoll had them escorted from the building and proceeded to hit himself five times.

Driscoll Punch

“This is what being a pastor is about, guys. If you can’t handle it, go back to teaching yoga or playing My Little Pony with the other girls.”

The rest of the session followed the same general tone, with Driscoll ridiculing insulated coffee cups, haiku and dental floss as feminine while extolling athletic cups, tobacco spit and broken load-bearing bones as being “essential for a pastor.”

The blogosphere heated up quickly in the wake of Driscoll’s talk. At, one post read, “This is the only thing that will turn back the tide of the Church’s decline in America. Until more guys step up and start punching themselves in the face, people will continue to leave the Church.”

Driscoll’s detractors had their say as well. At, Angel23 said, “It doesn’t matter that Driscoll’s church has 6,000 people coming to worship God, if he continues to use words like sissy he will be smited.”

Driscoll turned down our request for an interview, saying, “Interviews are for wimpy guys who wear Sans-a-Belt slacks and chew sugar-free gum.”


K | 08:15 am on 7/03/2008

Funny, and perhaps good that it gets us thinking outside of narrow boxes. But the problem is that is about our strength rather than His strength made perfect in our weakness.

We love the images of winning and being strong, but we are called to be weak and humble. This side of the cross it looked like a loss, only after the resurrection did victory come.

Why do we think we need to win?

Cartoon Mohammed | 09:13 am on 7/03/2008

Paul and King David were both mass murderers. David had a man murdered so he could keep sleeping with the man's wife.
Maybe Ted Bundy could make a good Xtian role model too.

budda | 09:35 am on 7/03/2008

Good point, Mohammed, although Paul's murders were against Christians and before his meeting Jesus. God was not pleased with Davids affair, and he paid the price for the Bathsheba fling. Jesus murdered no one. Hmm.... what was the point again?

As I understand it, Mohammed was pretty handy with a sword too.

SRebbe | 04:35 pm on 7/07/2008

no wait... I was thinking of Al Bundy....
different wife joke all together there.

expadriata | 10:15 am on 7/03/2008

Maybe Driscoll et al would like to try church planting in upstate NY and see how "relevant" he can be at a tractor pull.

Anonymous | 11:59 am on 7/03/2008

The stuff here is not satire:

Sovann | 12:48 pm on 7/03/2008

On a serious note, the Mars Hill Grad situation - sad!

Andrew | 02:18 pm on 7/03/2008

"You don't feel OK about Mark, you love or hate him."

I tend to think this a very cop-out point of view to take. It is like saying "Yeah, he has all these bad traits, behaviors, and outlooks, but he does good stuff too sometimes so that makes it ok." I really don't think that it makes it ok. Some of his supporters strike me as being similar to battered wives. Yeah, he hits me sometimes, but I was being bad and he really does love me.

Time to move on from this train wreck of a life.

Joy | 04:45 pm on 7/03/2008

'Mars Hill Church'... was started by 'Pastor' Driscoll (and some others). It is amazing (frigtening and VERY disturbing) to me, that with the 'leadership' displayed (and not only reported by, in this article) that the 'Church' has not self-destructed.
It makes me question the validity of "Mars Hill" and the 'brainwashing trap' they've set... especially, for those who are seriously SEEKING a relationship with Jesus Christ.
I have seen, heard and read enough (interviews & articles) given by the CRAZY-Narcisistic 'Pastor' Mark Driscoll... that I can confidently state, he's REALLY... WAY - WAY...WAY OFF!!! On MANY issues. Who does he think he is and by whose authority?

Some have commented that "He is only joking..."
Well, he/it's NOT funny.
Come on people! The term, "Practice what you preach", is NOT followed up by, '...especially if you want to shock or joke people into the Family/Heaven/Kingdom of God.'
One cannot 'perform' one way on stage without those same thoughts and behaviors carrying through to their everyday life.
If he can... then he has PROVEN his ignorance.

- Jeremiah 17:9-10 - NIV.
'The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? "I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve."..'

John 3:16 - The Message
"This is how much God loved the world: He gave His Son, His one and only Son. And, this is why: So that no one need be destroyed; by believing in Him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life."

So... Let's review...
It is ONLY by the grace of God that people come to Christ.

ReneeJoan | 07:03 pm on 7/03/2008

I thought Christians were supposed to become more "Godly" -- not more "Manly."

ReneeJoan -- still hearing voices

dorsey | 07:13 am on 7/04/2008

SNAP!! ReneeJoan, for the win!

melhornzoo | 07:25 pm on 7/03/2008

How funny/sad is it that I got at least half way through the article before I realized it was a parody article.

budda | 09:29 pm on 7/03/2008

No worries, it happens to everyone at sometime or another.

Prophet Lopi | 07:28 pm on 7/03/2008

Jesus was a "Real Man" and HE told us to:
"Deny Ourselves" "Take up our cross and follow HIM"
Now that is a real "Ball Buster" for you!

Lora | 07:29 pm on 7/03/2008

Wow, are there no Stephens of the Book of Acts in
the so called Emergent Movement? I am so thankful for the Soldiers, policemen, firemen, EMTS, who are protecting
all you girly men!

Bill | 08:44 pm on 7/03/2008

Dricoll sounds like a reincarnation of the late Jack Hyles.

Kim | 12:09 am on 7/04/2008

I think Ultimate Fighting is so cool.

Lauretta | 12:49 am on 7/04/2008

In the vast expanse of a timeless place,
Where silence ruled the outer space,
Ominously, towering it stood,
The symbol of a spirit war
Between the one name Lucifer,
And the Morning Star, The ultimate of good.

Enveloped by a trillion planets,
Clean as lightning and hard as granite,
A cosmic coliseum would host the end
Of the war between the lord of sin and death,
And the Omnipotent Creator of man's first breath,
Who will decide who forever will be the Champion.

The audience for the 'Fight of the Ages' was
assembled and in place.
The angels came in splendor from a star.
The saints that had gone before were there:
Jeremiah, Enoch, Job.
They were singing the "Song of Zion" on David's harp.

The demons arrived, offensive and vile,
cursing and blaspheming God.
Followed by their 'trophies' dead and gone.
Hitler, Napoleon, Pharaoh, Capone,
Tormented and vexed and grieved.
Waiting for their judgment From the Throne.

Then a chill swept through the mammoth crowd
and the demons squealed with glee,
as a sordid, vulgar, repulsive essence was felt.
Arrogantly prancing, hands held high, draped
in a sparkling shroud
Trolled by demons, Satan ascended from Hell.

Then Satan cringed, the sinners groaned!
The demons reeled in pain as a swell of power
like silent thunder rolled
With a surge of light beyond intense,
illuminating the universe,
In resplendent glory appeared the Son of God.

Then a Persona, yes, Extraordinaire appeared in center ring.
God the Father will oversee the duel.
Opening the Book of Life, each grandstand hushed in awe as
majestically He said,
"Now here's the rules. He'll be wounded
for their transgressions,
bruised for iniquities"
When He said, "By His stripes they're
healed," the devil shook!
He screamed, "Sickness is my specialty.
I hate that healing junk!"
God said, "You shut your face, I wrote the book!"
Then the Father looked at His only Son and said,
"You know the rules.
Your blood will cleanse their sins and calm their fears."
Then He pointed His finger at Satan and said,
"And I know you know the rules.
You've been twisting them to deceive My
people for years."
Satan screamed, "I'll kill you Christ!
You'll never win this fight!"
The demons wheezed, "That's right, there
ain't no way."
Satan jeered, "You're dead meat, Jesus,
I'm gonna bust you UP tonight!"
Jesus said, "Go ahead, make my day!"
The bell rang, the crowd cheered, the fight was on,
And the devil leaped in fury.
With all his evil tricks he came undone.
He threw his jabs of hate and lust.
A stab of pride and envy but the hand that
knew no sin blocked every one.

Forty days and nights they fought, and
Satan couldn't touch Him.
Now the final blow saved for the final round.
Prophetically Christ's hands came down
And Satan struck in vengeance!
The blow of death felled Jesus to the ground.

The devils roared in victory!
The saints shocked and perplexed as wounds
appeared upon His hands and feet.
Then Satan kicked Him in His side, and blood and water flowed.
And they waited for the 10 count of defeat.

God the Father turned His head,
His tears announcing Christ was dead!
The 10 count would proclaim the battle's end.
Then Satan trembled through his sweat in
unexpected horror, yet...
As God started to count by saying,
"Hey wait a minute, God..." "...9..." "Stop!
You're counting wrong..."
His eyes are moving...
His fingers are twitching...
"Where's all this Light coming from?"
"He's alive!"
"Oh - nooooo!"
"And yet,"
He has won!
He has won!
He's alive forevermore!
He is risen, He is Lord,
He has won!
He has won!
He's alive forevermore,
He is risen!
He is Lord!

Proclaim the news in every tongue,
Through endless ages and beyond
Let it be voiced from mountains loud and strong
Captivity has been set free, salvation bought for you and me
'Cause Satan is defeated,
And Jesus is The Champion

by Carman

budda | 10:59 am on 7/04/2008

No offense lauretta, but I would rather have to sit through 20 Driscoll sermons than be forced to listen to 1 Carmen song. His art is not to my taste, also knew some people in his touring band. Not a nice guy.

dorsey | 10:22 pm on 7/05/2008

Ditto. That gal did NOT just make her point with a Carman son, did she? Tell me I'm seeing things.

BJ | 09:44 pm on 7/06/2008

I was a bit taken back myself.

SRebbe | 04:40 pm on 7/07/2008

I had to sit through that at my church as the yoots put on a mime show for the congregation... you just did not make me read that, did you?

no, you didn't. I skipped it like a rope. thank you. my cynicism is showing, I know.... moving on.....

budda | 08:43 pm on 7/07/2008

"I skipped it like a rope" - wow, very nice.

Anonymous | 05:19 am on 7/04/2008

We need people who understands what God wants for the America as ministers rather than men who react to situations or things arround them from them.

BJ | 09:46 pm on 7/06/2008


VenerableBean | 02:52 pm on 7/04/2008

Driscoll's theology is repugnant to 2000 years of Christian teaching.

"You have been told that God is a loving, gracious, merciful, kind, compassionate, wonderful, and good sky fairy who runs a day care in the sky and has a bucket of suckers for everyone because we're all good people. That is a lie... God looks down and says 'I hate you, you are my enemy, and I will crush you,' and we say that is deserved, right and just, and then God says 'Because of Jesus I will love you and forgive you.' This is a miracle." - Mark Driscoll. (Driscoll, Mark: Jesus Took Our Wrath (Propitiation), Sermon preached November 6, 2005 at Mars Hill Church.)

This is one of the most obscene statements masquerading as Christian theology I've read in a very long time. First of all, its presumptuous to literally speak on behalf of God! "God looks down and SAYS 'I hate you.'"

According to Holy Scripture "God (the Father) so LOVED the world..." and "Jesus (the second Person of the Most Holy Trinity) humbled himself out of LOVE to willingly die for mankind. Jesus teaches us to say "Our Father" and used the child's affectionate term "Daddy" for Father.

It seems to me that Driscol's version of God the Father is a mean son of a bitch who can't wait to take out his anger on his children rather than one who CORRECTS THEM LOVINGLY. According to Driscol's own words the Father "hates" his children, he wants to "crush" them. Then along comes Jesus, like a battered wife, to step in between to take one for children.

This is a perverse theology which twists orthodox Christian language to suit his pathology. Did daddy not love him enough? Is he STILL trying to prove what a "man" he is? It sure smacks of that! What of the loving God who continually called his people back to him, the God who pursued mankind throughout history waiting for fullness of time? This is the God who was willing to take on the mortal physical substance of his creation and live as one of us! Christ's Incarnation and his atoning death are more than just a shield from an angry Father. His incarnation redeems what we are as humans, our body and soul.

Driscoll can use all the Christian terms he wants, but his theology is sadly lacking and is far from Christian.

whatever and ever amen | 02:28 am on 7/05/2008

I couldn't agree more VenerableBean

Lauretta | 04:12 pm on 7/04/2008

no offense taken. Not a Carmen fan
either, just like the words of this
song from the 80s.

Lauretta | 04:17 pm on 7/04/2008

oh yeah, I think Mark Driscoll is
going to help reintroduce Jesus to
the people who are being ripped off
with the watered down version being
taught by the "emergents". He is
still the King of Kings and Lord of Lords!

Andrew | 10:55 am on 7/05/2008

I would hope that people who don't care for "emergents" do not feel that their only alternative is to follow after someone like Driscoll.

JoshH | 04:54 pm on 7/05/2008

I'd say that Driscoll is (in terms of social structure and mechanism of outreach) "emergent"; he just happens to have a totally different view as to what should well as where it should emerge to and from. In his case, it mostly emerges into a toilet bowl. I'll leave it to your imaginations to figure out where I'm going with this.

Lazzi Mann | 11:43 am on 7/06/2008

Real men, just like all the righteous accounted in the Scriptures - Messiah included, kept the moral law. That's the ten commandments to you lawless daughters of Babylon.

budda | 05:22 pm on 7/06/2008

Did you just call me a girl? I'm a lawless SON of babylon. Get it straight. Jeesh, a guy works so hard to be a son of babylon and this is the respect I get.

By the way, I'm not a "whore of babylon" either. I am a gigolo of babylon.

dorsey | 01:56 pm on 7/17/2008

Lazzi Mann, your theology is lazzi, too. The ten commandments never saved anyone.

Lazzi Mann | 02:26 pm on 5/10/2009

True, the moral law never saved anyone. They are the manifestations of salvation in the life of the believer. Show me your faith and I'll show you my works (obeying the moral law). Faith without these works is dead.

AND the Babylon comment was out of place. I am sorry and ask for you to for give me. This goes for any others that this poor choice of words offended.

I see clearer now the situation and grief at the manifestations of Laodicea that are apparent in this day in with we live.

dave | 02:12 pm on 7/06/2008

so, i am pretty sure i could kick the %@#^ out of mark driscoll. seriously, my reach is like 5 inches longer than his (i probably have other parts that are that much longer as well... i only bring that up because he probably measures a man's worth that way as well).

but guess what, i follow the "wimpy" Jesus who understood that it is not the act of a "sissy" to turn the other cheek. if driscoll punched me in the face, i would hopefully wipe the blood from my lip, look him in the eye, and give him the other side to hit as well. that is real strength and the test of true manhood (and personhood for that matter) that Jesus himself exemplified. the only time Jesus exhibited "violence" was the clearing of the temple and notice he attacked a practice and not one person.

Justin Carroll | 07:53 pm on 7/06/2008

I agree completely with everyone. At his funeral this is the stuff that should go in his eulogy, right? Yeah! We should all talk about how he was too overbearing, talked about UFC too much, hit himself in the face, smoked cancerous cigars, drank alcoholic beverages, encouraged men to piss standing up and poked fun at the stuff we liked for being too "girlie". Yes, because that's the stuff that really matters about Mark Driscoll. He was very serious when he said all of it. See, the culmination of all those things tells us exactly who he really is and what his heart is all about. Aside from these things he is a shell of a man I'm sure. It's like he's given us a window into his very soul. It's so clear to me.

You guys are great. Phew, I totally didn't know there were others like me out there. Thanks, everyone.

budda | 05:07 pm on 7/07/2008

We are only commenting (for the most part) on that which he has put forward. No one put a gun to his head and said "Preach this and work on getting famous and become a christian celebrity" He can put the microphone down and walk off the stage anytime he wants. As long as he puts himself and his opinions forward, he and they are open game. As well they should be.

dave | 01:26 pm on 7/07/2008

i am assuming you are being sarcastic so that is where my response is coming from...

i cannot speak for everyone else here but i listen to mark's sermon on a weekly basis. i have read a few things he has written. i have personally seen him speak. i have read interviews and listened to his talks at the Southeastern Seminary conference. i would say that his comments do sum up what he says every time he gets up to speak. he constantly talks about what a "real" Christian looks like. he even paints Jesus in this image that he has come up with regularly. the bible says that the words of our mouths flow from our hearts.

can i say for sure that these things encapsulate the man? of course not. but i can speak on what i have heard him say over and over and over again. that is where my comments came from. i hope that helps.

Anonymous | 04:19 pm on 7/07/2008

wow - thoroughly depressing to have so many behaviors pigeonholed as male or female activities.... Real men don't have to prove their masculinity by grossing people out or getting hung up on gender stereoptyes. Tennis a lame sport? Clearly, you've not tried to play serious tennis - which takes more athletic prowess, muscles, coordination and stamina than changing the oil or lubing your car. You can't wear a cardigan and be a man? Should all men wear t-shirts or 'wifebeaters' or ties? Put away the cookiecutter and express yourself. Grow a pair.

True men are compassionate and connected, like Jesus who wept for Jerusalem and for his friend Lazarus and was not afraid to be called a "pansy" when he forgave the woman caught in adultery or talked to the woman at the well about her real needs.

Pastors are called to preach the Word and tend the sheep (how masculine is nurturing sheep anyway?) and administer sacraments. Pastors, male or female, need all sorts of traits, depending on the needs of the sheep. And it takes all kinds of personalities among pastors to reach the lost and feed the found. Two thumbs down for Driscoll's tirade at male pastors.

Justin Carroll | 04:44 pm on 7/07/2008

Re: Dave

Yes, it was very sarcastic to make the point that there's the heart of a real person underneath that flesh exterior who has devoted their life to leading people to the Lord and promoting the well-being of the great city of Seattle.

I understand where you're coming from. I understand how other people say some of the things they do. I'm sure Mark will tell you that there are things he did 10 years ago that he laughs at and I'm sure 10 years from now it will be the same. Is that any different from ourselves?

Everyone needs to chill out, relax and realize that at the end of the day he's flesh and spirit mixed together like the rest of us. And if you don't think you offend any one you can't be helped because the truth is that sometimes we offend people in the worst ways and they just never say anything to us.

Mark is a real person, with actual feelings, a husband, a father, a man in pursuit of his relationship with God - there's no reason to treat him like this even if you feel he deserves it. To go on and on like this is contradictory to the very basics of Christianity.

If you're not a Christian and not submitting to the authority of the Bible have at it; Mark won't care anyway and neither will I.

whatever and ever amen | 05:18 pm on 7/07/2008

Driscoll is a big boy and if he acts like an idiot he has to reap the consequences. Why defend him like a little orphan? He is a husband and father, I have met and cared for his kids. He has a lovely family. I would NEVER impune on his character as a husband or father. All I have seen of him in these roles have been great.

But he knows that he will be judged the farther he goes into the spotlight. And if he can't take the heat he ought to get out of the kitchen. But rather than stepping AWAY from the spotlight he seeks it out. Does he HAVE TO speak at conferences? Does he HAVE TO write books? Does he HAVE TO give interviews? Does he HAVE TO make jokes and go (admitedly on his part even) too far just to make a point?

He doesn't. He has chosen to be in the limelight, he rather likes it. So don't give me that poor Driscoll crap.

Did he care when he bashed on COUNTLESS other Christians? I didn't think so.....

budda | 02:11 pm on 7/08/2008

Nicely said Whatever. That is what I was trying to say.

SRebbe | 04:45 pm on 7/07/2008

um, not to pick nits here, but we all are called to administer sacraments to each other and minister to each other, not just a select caste in the Church.

JoshH | 02:01 pm on 7/08/2008

Well, yeah. Picking nits is bad because you should get yourself some lice-killing shampoo and kill all of them at once.

Anonymous | 05:23 pm on 7/07/2008

In regards to criticism Driscoll is rather like a Jehovah's witness actually. The more he gets of it the more he feels justified. So he likely enjoys all this banter.

Jai | 07:56 pm on 7/07/2008

Driscoll seems to have alot in common with the self aggandizing televangelists,espeically in the dramma and ego department. It's a shame that faith is reduced to a cheap and vainglorious sideshow. What a hack and embarrasment.

Anonymous | 11:52 am on 7/08/2008

whatever and ever, do you think he's improved since the days when he posted things like Pussified Nation as William Wallace II?

whatever and ever amen | 03:02 pm on 7/08/2008

Actually, yes to some degree (in some areas) he has.

But in many ways I think the fame has gone to his head. If you hear everyone in your cirlce telling you how great you are, and everyone that is put in place to "hold you accountable" are people you either brought to Christ or placed in that position-then I don't think you can count on their ability to really hold you accountable. And as MH has no one that they are accountable to it becomes sticky at best, abusive at worst.

They fired a couple pastors recently. And while I personally think that they were not great pastors, I also think that they were a couple of men that would have gladly held Driscoll and others accountable. Everyone was wrong in that mess. The reasons for firing them were really weak/bad. There were much better reasons than those they gave. I know of many people that experienced their lack of pastoral care firsthand, that is a better reason to fire them. Not that they had an "unhealthy distrust" of anyone.

But at least one of those pastors is trying to start their own church and draw others in. And that isn't the answer either.

They may continue to grow, but that doesn't mean that everything that MH does is right. Growth, converts and resources should not be the sole determinants of a sucessful ministry. Benny Hinn, Kenneth Copeland and Credflo all have huge ministries that are "winning many" to Christ/growing rapidly and have a great deal of money coming in. But I could never say that I think what they are doing is right. I think that many fruits of those ministries are showing to be a rotten.

If God can speak thru and ass he can speak thru Driscoll, Copeland, Hinn and Credflo. But count on them occasionally looking likes asses themselves.

Johannes de Silentio | 06:43 pm on 7/08/2008

Psychologically speaking, it seems all this masculine bravado by Driscoll and his minions may be the result of over-compensating for having small penises.

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.