Christ Shot Down, Missile Shield a Success06/19/2008
By Jamie Crossan
A naval interceptor rocket accidentally targeted and blew up the returning Jesus Christ during a morning test over the Pacific, setting off some kind of retaliatory offensive by the host of heaven.
General Jason Gruntsworthy, head of the Anti-ballistic Missile Shield program, declined comment at first, then said "God, what a mess."
“On our screens, Jesus looked suspiciously like a Chinese MIRV-9 nucular missile, which is frankly an easy mistake to make. The real surprise is that we actually hit something.”
Following the explosion, burning radioactive pieces of Jesus rained down over a wide area of the western seaboard, causing spot fires and random miracles. NASA has asked that the debris not be touched or collected as souvenirs.
While the General described the situation as unfortunate, he remained optimistic. “We do apologize for the collateral and spiritual damage this has caused, but we would like to point out that in the War on Terror, you can't take risks. And hey, it finally works!”
General Gruntsworthy also expressed excitement at the upcoming $5 trillion being spent to rebuild the entire United States armed forces after the host of heaven "went completely mental, what we in the military call ‘overkill’."
President Nader immediately deployed the National Guard to all churches in a “faith surge” to contain the hordes of angry-yet-sinless Christians, and to control the crowds of confused atheists who can’t decide whether to gloat or repent.
In his address to the nation, the President reassured believers, telling them that the Trinity was still two-thirds intact, and that scientists are now working to Christ-proof the technology so it will no longer target eschatalogically-imminent messiahs. The President also said that White House lawyers were this afternoon dispatched heavenward to offer compensation to Jesus’ Father. However, they and their money were promptly turned into salt, and delivered back to Washington by four angry and disappointed horsemen.
The reactions to the tragedy are as wide-ranging as its implications.
Spokesperson for the World Council of Churches, The Most Right Reverend Dr. Bishop Whimsy Trollop, O.B.E., said that “Quite frankly, we’re relieved--we just weren't ready for such a literal fulfillment of prophecy. But in this difficult time, we do encourage people of faith to consider the rich beauty of other gods and sources of spiritual inspiration, such as Allah, Buddha, or George Clooney.”
The National Association of Evangelicals is meeting to decide whether we are now technically in the Thousand Years, and why no one ever spotted that the Great Dragon from Revelation was in fact a Trident ICBM in the original Greek.
Roads and chimneys throughout the nation remain clogged by thousands of born-again pre-trib evangelicals, after believers were only partially caught up into the clouds, and then plummeted back to earth at Mach 5. FEMA has set up a national crisis line on 1300 RAPTURE RUPTURE.
Stig Tourette, the popular The-End-Is-Nigh sign-waving lunatic of Times Square, expressed his shock and confusion at today’s events. “I’m shocked and confused by today’s events. I’ve wasted the last ten years of my life. I suppose I’ll be going back to the stock brokerage.”
Meanwhile, Tyndale House Publishers announced a new Left Behind series, a 23-volume sequel taking into account today's events. They expect it to be on shelves next Friday.
There were some believers, mostly in the Third World, who refused to accept the early reports of the second death of Christ, especially after he was spotted on a tortilla in Mexico.