Christ Shot Down, Missile Shield a Success

06/19/2008


By Jamie Crossan

A naval interceptor rocket accidentally targeted and blew up the returning Jesus Christ during a morning test over the Pacific, setting off some kind of retaliatory offensive by the host of heaven.

General Jason Gruntsworthy, head of the Anti-ballistic Missile Shield program, declined comment at first, then said "God, what a mess."

“On our screens, Jesus looked suspiciously like a Chinese MIRV-9 nucular missile, which is frankly an easy mistake to make. The real surprise is that we actually hit something.”

Following the explosion, burning radioactive pieces of Jesus rained down over a wide area of the western seaboard, causing spot fires and random miracles. NASA has asked that the debris not be touched or collected as souvenirs.

While the General described the situation as unfortunate, he remained optimistic. “We do apologize for the collateral and spiritual damage this has caused, but we would like to point out that in the War on Terror, you can't take risks. And hey, it finally works!”

General Gruntsworthy also expressed excitement at the upcoming $5 trillion being spent to rebuild the entire United States armed forces after the host of heaven "went completely mental, what we in the military call ‘overkill’."

President Nader immediately deployed the National Guard to all churches in a “faith surge” to contain the hordes of angry-yet-sinless Christians, and to control the crowds of confused atheists who can’t decide whether to gloat or repent.

missile

In his address to the nation, the President reassured believers, telling them that the Trinity was still two-thirds intact, and that scientists are now working to Christ-proof the technology so it will no longer target eschatalogically-imminent messiahs. The President also said that White House lawyers were this afternoon dispatched heavenward to offer compensation to Jesus’ Father. However, they and their money were promptly turned into salt, and delivered back to Washington by four angry and disappointed horsemen.

The reactions to the tragedy are as wide-ranging as its implications.

Spokesperson for the World Council of Churches, The Most Right Reverend Dr. Bishop Whimsy Trollop, O.B.E., said that “Quite frankly, we’re relieved--we just weren't ready for such a literal fulfillment of prophecy. But in this difficult time, we do encourage people of faith to consider the rich beauty of other gods and sources of spiritual inspiration, such as Allah, Buddha, or George Clooney.”

The National Association of Evangelicals is meeting to decide whether we are now technically in the Thousand Years, and why no one ever spotted that the Great Dragon from Revelation was in fact a Trident ICBM in the original Greek.

Roads and chimneys throughout the nation remain clogged by thousands of born-again pre-trib evangelicals, after believers were only partially caught up into the clouds, and then plummeted back to earth at Mach 5. FEMA has set up a national crisis line on 1300 RAPTURE RUPTURE.

Stig Tourette, the popular The-End-Is-Nigh sign-waving lunatic of Times Square, expressed his shock and confusion at today’s events. “I’m shocked and confused by today’s events. I’ve wasted the last ten years of my life. I suppose I’ll be going back to the stock brokerage.”

Meanwhile, Tyndale House Publishers announced a new Left Behind series, a 23-volume sequel taking into account today's events. They expect it to be on shelves next Friday.

There were some believers, mostly in the Third World, who refused to accept the early reports of the second death of Christ, especially after he was spotted on a tortilla in Mexico.


Comments(34)

SRebbe | 09:29 am on 6/20/2008

oh, let the piece of Christ
rain down on us

budda | 11:27 am on 6/20/2008

Oh my. Funny. Laghter, with a "your in trouble" type, oooooooooooo, at the end.

SRebbe | 12:29 pm on 6/20/2008

ok, so it was a bad pun. I get another 50 years in Purgatory for that one, listening to Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On' or 'The Worst Soundtrack Ever Made'.

budda | 01:02 pm on 6/20/2008

That isn't purgatory, my dear, that is the ninth circle of hell.

JoshH | 02:12 pm on 6/20/2008

The piece of Christ
makes fresh my heart
chunks of fragments
ever springing.
All things are mine
since I am his.
How can I keep from singing?

Process Deist | 10:28 am on 6/20/2008

Yes sir, Brother.
When we 'Go up to meet him in the air'.....we GO UP.

JoshH | 10:16 pm on 6/20/2008

Goin' up to the spirit in the sky,
that's where we're gonna go when we die.
When we die and they lay us to rest,
we're gonna go up to the place that's the best.

BJ | 12:53 pm on 6/20/2008

"Anyone who eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in him"
I'll have my Jesus medium well please.

SRebbe | 04:28 pm on 6/20/2008

something like that was my second thought.

hopefully Christ will remain in you.
be well.

Prophet Lopi | 08:15 pm on 6/20/2008

Very Funny and sadly true about the reactions of the rectors of religion.

Lilly | 10:05 pm on 6/23/2008

Dear Prophet Lopi,
My Uncle Monty is a US Government Trapper out in New Mexico.
He calls in varmits and shoots them.
He uses a tape of a wounded rabbit and calls coyotes.
He uses a tape of an excited bird and calls in mountain lions.
One time he plugged in a Willie Nelson tape and called in three Pentecostal Prophets.
They were eat-up with the mange and their hides were not worth much.

Prophet Lopi | 10:27 pm on 6/24/2008

Were they of the Copeland, Deplantis and Dollar species?

Lilly | 10:41 pm on 6/24/2008

I had never thought about that many species.
Someone should publish a Field Guide to Pentecostal Prophets.
The ones you named have colorful plummage.

Prophet Lopi | 12:12 pm on 6/25/2008

These particular species would have $$$Green$$$ plummage

BJ | 09:31 am on 6/27/2008

It had to be the latest end times bafoon with the latest greatest insite into the secret code of the Bible -- none other than Perry Stone.

Cartoon Mohammed | 08:57 am on 6/24/2008

Jesus, being middle eastern, looks like a terrorist and has a hard time getting thru the airport.

Billy Warhol | 10:50 pm on 6/24/2008

oh god too Funny!!

Did Bush or Cheney Pull da Trigger!!

;PPP

Dr. Dewey | 11:56 am on 6/25/2008

Having a premil, pretrib absolute corner on things, I have a deep nd profound theological pronouncement to make...H*A*R*R*U*M*P*F*H! And again I say...harrumpfh.

Bryan Catherman | 02:11 pm on 6/25/2008

"...confused atheists who can’t decide whether to gloat or repent."

That is a great line. It really paints a funny picture! Thanks.

God's Child | 06:27 am on 6/29/2008

This is blasphemy at its best! I pray for each of you as you continue to make fun of our Creator and His mighty power. Only He can touch your hearts and bring you into to a relationship with Him. This is my prayer for you.

Eleanor M Wrenn

JoshH | 07:55 pm on 6/30/2008

Not quite.

We're simply making fun of people who try to make "make God in their own image."

Read that whole thing about Elijah and the prophets of Baal, especially 18:27. And if you're a KJV-only type, you might wanna look at the Hebrew to see what "pursuing" refers to. We'll just call it "going potty" for the purposes of this post.

MichaelL | 03:23 pm on 7/27/2008

Eleanor, what's so blasphemous about this? Surely as Christians we can laugh at those that make a mockery of our faith?

ChristiantheAtheist | 12:11 pm on 8/30/2010

And vice-versa friend. It's all hilarious, or tragic, in hindsight when we look back at both groups' pasts and say to eachother: "Wow. We were both real
dicks to eachother."

david-mark campbell | 04:39 pm on 7/28/2008

i am now convinced that somewhere in the hallowed hallways, crevices, and unforeseen imaginations of the door crew lurks the vestages of mark twain.

david-mark campbell | 05:30 pm on 7/28/2008

what often strikes me as ironic is how people fail to see the humor, the satire, and the absurdity that exisits in the Bible.
After all it was written down by humans trying to convey and come to terms with events often beyond description. Christ taught with absudity, humor, and he was a master of rhetoric. As far as I can see "the door" does not teach from a heretical or blasphmious position. what "the door" does so very well is obsereve via satire. this prompts the reader to think "is this what i believe and if so why vs. why not"

Process Deist | 08:25 pm on 7/28/2008

Well said.
Now it would be nice if 5000 fundies would read your post, smack themselves in the head and emit a Homer Simpson 'doah!'.

Anonymous | 08:32 am on 8/19/2008

I havnt laughed this hard in ages :) oh and on the point David Mark Made... well put.. the bible is such a confusing book at best.. but considering it was written by numerous Rather fanatical people its hardly surprising...the Noahs Blog page had me in stitches Sooooooooo funny...im sure if Jesus were here himself hed see the funny side of it too....."Prophet Lopi | 10:27 pm on 6/24/2008

Were they of the Copeland, Deplantis and Dollar species?" tooooooooooooo funny but not a bad idea ... we could just call it a "turkey shoot" seeing as their all Old and have Turkey Necks anyway... Creflo is so fat he wouldnt run to fast and Kenneth is Just Old.. infact i think hes older than Methuselah... Gloria would probably be much easier as her High heels and Pearl Necklaces would slow her down... maybe we could use the Copelands own Brand Name Music too??? their daughters band "strand of Pearls" .. maybe we should suggest it to Senator Grassley???

Sean Morgan - Men's Jewelry | 08:23 am on 2/08/2009

When I read this just like a "serious" news article, I couldn't help but laugh. But when I think about its anti-religion connotations, I started to think. Religion has remained to be an infallible institution that the people under it refuse to accept free thinking. Personally, I wouldn't go as far as taunting or mocking other religions just because some of them do not espouse free thinking. And again, to each his own.

Peace!

Sean

clay pigeon shooting | 07:11 am on 6/10/2010

Is this any type of fun? Your all posting is on the jokes about Essa (A.S). Shame on you.

Burke | 07:37 pm on 11/09/2010


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beauty product store | 02:50 pm on 3/05/2011

2Ti 3:1 This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come." We can expect anything in the name of religious. However, we should not be afraid of those who can destroy this earthly body. We should fear Him who can cast our body and soul in the unquenchable eternal firing. Thanks for the nice post.

salvage yard | 05:18 pm on 3/15/2011

Mat 7:17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. That is why we could see all these bizarre incidents. Why accumulate so much ammunition for our own destruction.

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