Britney Spears Must Be Saved


(From the private email files of Thomas Nelson Publishing)

By Joe Bob Briggs

From: Gwyneth Benson, Senior Editor,
To:Lynne Spears,
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Status of “Pop Culture Mom”
Date:       Fri, 11 Jan 2008


I’m so sorry you misinterpreted my comments about Dr. Phil. In my zeal to get “Pop Culture Mom” back on track, I “jumped the gun” by asking Publicity to get involved with his bookers, who are, of course, friends of ours here at Thomas Nelson. But yes, I do agree that he’s a fat smarmy big-ass no-neck numbskull.

I know you haven’t had a spare minute to look at the Chapter 23 edits, but could we get a different characterization for manuscript page 237, line 14, “herpes medication,” and manuscript page 244, line 2, “Eat it! Lick it! Snort it! F--- it!”? As to the latter word, you can see that the Thomas Nelson email system won’t even print it!, but I did take your concerns to my superiors, and they do understand that it’s an actual quotation from Britney in the Los Angeles courthouse and has been often cited on the Internet. In their opinion all four words are still objectionable—sorry! Our policy in the past has been to use phrases such as “uttered a four-part obscene, exclamatory, possibly sexual but utterly grotesque, interjection.” Would that work for you? Again, I think we should focus on Britney’s Lashing Out at that moment and not dwell on the details of her illness.

My love to everyone, tell Jamie Lynn to try simple Advil, the Midol doesn’t work for morning sickness. Write when you can!



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From:      Gwyneth Benson, Senior Editor,
To:           Lynne Spears,
Subject:  Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Status of “Pop Culture Mom”
Date:       Tue, 15 Jan 2008


Glad to hear you finally got some shut-eye! No, I haven’t heard of that particular sleeping pill, I’ll have to get my husband to find some for me!

Well, back to work for us. Yes, I did get the rewrites for Chapter 24—and we thought this would be a SHORT book, ha ha ha—and I wanted to tell you what we normally do in a situation like you had last week, with the police and the hostage situation and the locking of the infant in the bathroom, the ambulance, the psychiatric commitment—well, I don’t need to repeat it for you. NORMALLY, this is not an absolute rule, but we would look for the moment of PRAYER in that situation, the moment when God was revealed. Of course, you would know better than I would where that moment came, but as it now stands, we can’t accept the conclusion of the chapter, specifically the sentence about wanting to kill your daughter. I know it was a figure of speech, but the details of how you would sever the vein in her neck with the weed-cutting device, we just need to lose all of that. I think you can express the same level of frustration in the context of “motherhood challenges”—remember the list we had in Chapter 1? We should revisit that. I also think that describing the mother/daughter shopping spree on the way home from the mental hospital will need some work, but let me think about that. Were they really giving away $35 Lancome gift bags at Bloomingdale’s? I’ve got to get out more!

Love you,


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From:      Gwyneth Benson, Senior Editor,
To:           Lynne Spears,
Subject:  Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Status of “Pop Culture Mom”
Date:       Thu, 17 Jan 2008

Lynne I didn’t mean what I said at the end but if you scream at me again like that I’m finished with this whole project and I can’t believe you would doubt the commitment of Thomas Nelson to what has been an extremely stressful situation and also my husband says he won’t let me work here anymore if that kind of language is ever used again, you know I love you, Amy says thanks for the Care Bears book, I’ll write more later, I’m shaking right now, what was the name of that prescription medication you told me about? Love Gwynnie xxxxxx oooooooo


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From:      Gwyneth Benson, Senior Editor,
To:           Lynne Spears,
Subject:  Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Status of “Pop Culture Mom”
Date:       Fri, 18 Jan 2008

Hey girl!

No need to mention it any more, it’s all over now and I don’t know about you, but I feel we’re soooooooo much closer now after going through something like that. I’m stoked! I’m seeing “Best Seller” in your future, girlfriend!

Okay, just some housekeeping: we never did make a decision about Chapter 17, but I say go ahead and use the picture right after she shaved off all her hair where she looks like a member of the Manson cult, because you know what? She WAS in a cult! And you got her out of it! It was a cult of one. It was the Britney Cult. Well, we’ve talked about it, you know what I mean. I also want you to think about what we can do about 13. I know those tips could be VERY valuable for the right mother, the truth is we don’t have that many Thomas Nelson readers who need the actual gate numbers at the Warner Bros. studio lot where you can sneak out without paparazzi knowing you’re there, and the map of how to use the back roads off of Beverly Glen to force the Brazilian “pappie boys” into the ditch—let’s just say a little detail goes a LONG way in that area. We don’t really have anything here in Nashville like that. Kenny Chesney wrecked his truck, but he just wrote a song about it.

And, oh yes, GOT THE PACKAGE! So sweet. There was no label on the bottle, does that matter?

Your Gwynnie


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From:      Gwyneth Benson, Senior Editor,
To:           Lynne Spears,
Subject:  Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Status of “Pop Culture Mom”
Date:       Sun, 20 Jan 2008

Sweetie, I’m still feeling the love today, I can’t tell you how much that little prayer meant to me. The next time Larry picks up the phone, just tell him it’s an emergency. He doesn’t understand the intensity of what’s going on here—and of course I’ve explained to him how God is moving through ALL of our lives but he made some random comment about how he didn’t see much God in a three-hour conversation about how to fire Sam Lutfi, but I mean honestly, you call that guy a manager, get a TRO on his ass. Bottom line: God knows what’s best for our little B-girl and so do we.

Oh Lynnie this is so awesome, look at this:
     Hit Me, Baby, One More Time : penitential suffering
     Oops, I Did It Again : original sin
     I’m a Slave 4 U : Romans chapter 1 (think about it)
     You Drive Me Crazy: that time when King David got naked, but there’s probably a better one, but she’s Bathsheba, it can’t be her fault

Let’s make the most of the extra free time we’ll have while she’s actually institutionalized and get the final rewrites done on the three problem passages we were talking about before Larry went ballistic, and I swear to God, Lynne, if I wasn’t a Christian woman I’d divorce him, you didn’t deserve that and neither did I.

Stay positive, girl! Remember, we need changes on:
     1. The “No Panties” sequence when she dated the Jewish guy. Did she sleep with him? You know what, don’t even tell me!
     2. Running around Baja with the oily olive-skinned handsome-in-a-kitchen-help-sort-of-way guy. I think we should portray this more strongly as an example of bipolar anxiety and paranoia and soft-pedal the bikini crotch shots on the beach.
     3. Disneyland! I really want you to consider this, honey. Return to Mousketeerism. Remind her of her innocence. Say “Where is the little girl I love so much?” A single tear droplet would be nice. Think about it. Don’t STAGE anything, just take her there and make her cry.

Love ya, babe, check Sam’s accounts, I think he’s scum. Sic that lesbian judge on him.


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From:      Gwyneth Benson, Senior Editor,
To:           Lynne Spears,
Subject:  Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Status of “Pop Culture Mom”
Date:       Thur, 24 Jan 2008

Lynnebear? You ok? I called 3 times today. Lemme know. I can be a Nervous Nellie sometimes. Luv U!


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From:      Gwyneth Benson, Senior Editor,
To:           Lynne Spears,
Subject:  Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Status of “Pop Culture Mom”
Date:       Fri, 25 Jan 2008



I’ve got oodles of notes for you, too, but for right now, just re-send that list of the nicknames for Kevin’s penis, I shouldn’t have reacted that way. Seventeen names for his penis is too many, though, that’s what made it disgusting in the first place. And we have to get rid of Spear Of Destiny, that’s got theological implications, we don’t wanna go there.

F— F— F— F—

Don’t worry, God loves me.


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From:      Gwyneth Benson, Senior Editor,
To:           Lynne Spears,
Subject:  Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Status of “Pop Culture Mom”
Date:       Sun, 27 Jan 2008

Lynne? You around this afternoon?

What did I say? I didn’t save the message. I feel so ashamed. Forgive me? I’m not sure what I told you, but it was just the painkillers talking. Larry took me to Green Hills Mall and I started to freak in the bathroom at Sephora and I realized I was misreading the dosage or something, I’m not sure what it was, and then he said “Where’d you get this?” and, well, I’m just so lucky to be so loved.

So, honey, I’m sorry. Let’s talk. I’ve got ideas about that Las Vegas Wedding Chapel chapter, there’s a way to do that so it’s not so in your face. I was reading that again and thinking, “If only every girl in America could have a mom like Lynne.” You really did it all, sweetie. You got an annulment in 36 hours. That was all you.

Okay, well, when you get a minute.


Anonymous | 03:17 am on 3/12/2008

Spear of Destiny...?


The Enemy Below | 06:01 pm on 5/14/2008

You could Turn her Over To Brother Jimmy Swaggart!!
He Likes"Saving"Fallen Women!!
Especially Inside Cheap Motel rooms!!

that calvinist doug | 03:35 pm on 3/12/2008

Dear Lynne,

Your daughter's art is so deep for me to fully grasp...I've never understood, is "Hit me baby one more time" a reference to:

a. child abuse
b. spousal abuse
c. bartending
d. black jack
e. S&M
f. all of the above
g. none of the above

mountainguy | 08:46 pm on 3/12/2008

hahaha, I'd say "c"

Chris Crocker | 10:40 pm on 3/13/2008


BJ | 11:31 am on 3/14/2008

I agree with you 100%. Britney must be shaved. The last internet pic I saw of her coochie was looking pretty 70's afro bush.

SRebbe | 02:13 pm on 3/14/2008

like a poodle

that calvinist doug | 02:30 pm on 3/14/2008

BJ and SRebbe, you're both freakin' perverts and I hope you burn in hell, to the glory of God.

Peace and Grace,


BJ | 02:59 pm on 3/14/2008

And a piece of Grace to you.

SRebbe | 04:41 pm on 3/14/2008

oh come now, it was funny. at least there were no topiary jokes.

buda | 09:31 pm on 3/14/2008

I had topiary pudding for desert at lunch today. Yummy!

Nomus | 08:52 pm on 3/15/2008

This whole conversation is getting a little to hairy for me.

BJ | 03:23 pm on 3/18/2008

How hairy is it?

BJ | 03:23 pm on 3/18/2008

As hairy as a russian porn star.

BJ | 09:29 am on 4/03/2008

If it smells like fish and taste like fish . . . .

Jerry Fartwell | 08:48 am on 3/20/2008

Yes, god's going to send you to hell, but remember he loves you.

Deacon Spears | 10:19 pm on 3/14/2008

Mama just got off the phone with some of the family.
Lynne is fit to be tied.
Here it is almost Easter and the family reunion plans are falling apart. My cousin Willie (Jamie's brother) has been talking to the British press again (Lord know's they keep him drunk), and Lynne has found out about this DOOR article. Mama said she could her Lynne cussin in the background.
Listen, folks......this is going to be a poorly attended family reunion....what with all the shame and embarrassment. You know what I'm talking about....when the spotlight turns on your family and they dig into your past ancestors. The press had no right to expose our Great Grand Pa as a YANKEE SPY. We will not let those bas**ard reporters get by with this.

Refuge from Mississippi | 11:11 am on 3/19/2008

The Spears family are born again white trash southern Baptists. They come from a culture that believes three-year old kids are mature enough to make the most important decision of their lives and accept Jesus Christ and their savior. (Just watch the movies “Saved!” or “Jesus Camp” to see how ridiculous such a belief is) I can remember a four-year old kids being dragged (sometimes crying in fear) to a giant bathtub to get baptized.
For many people like the Spears, since they believe they have already achieved that height of the spiritual life, they see no reason reflective or introspective. They consider themselves well read if the read “Left Behind”, a “Sugar Creek Gang” book or a Jack T Chick tract.
No matter what mistakes they make, they believe it is part of god’s plan. (God wants Jamie Lynn to be a 16 year-old mother)
As long as you are "saved" you can f--k up everything else. The rature might happen soon to bail you out.

Devin | 04:14 pm on 3/19/2008

Like Jesus said, "Keep those kids the hell away from me until they're old enough to get it."

Kelly Norman | 01:13 am on 3/20/2008

What's a rature?

I'm serious. I was baptized when I was four, so, I'm quite sure I don't know.

BJ | 07:09 am on 3/20/2008

A Russian hair removal device.

buda | 04:33 pm on 3/20/2008

For children?

SRebbe | 02:56 pm on 3/21/2008

Saved is the best movie ever! Reminds me of the old days, growing up 'christian'... ahhhh! A must-see for anyone to keep away the self-righteous shadow.

buda | 03:36 pm on 3/21/2008

That was a GREAT movie.

"There's only one reason Christian girls
come down to the Planned Parenthood."

- "She's planting a pipe bomb?!"

- "Okay, two reasons."

Anonymous | 09:55 am on 3/31/2008

that movie was a dumb peice of horse crap for people who like to make themselves feel better by hating christians

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