Joe Bob Briggs's picture
Joe Bob Briggs
Founder, Focus on the Dysfunctional Family
05.12.2008 | Comments(14)

What Happened to the Underwear?

Ninety-year-old Magdeline Alvina Middlesworth of Necedah, Wisconsin, keeled over dead while Tammy Lewis was helping the elderly woman into her underwear. Not sure what to do, the devout Lewis, also known as Sister Mary Bernadett, called her superior, Bishop Alan Bushey, who told her to leave the body on the toilet and pray really really hard and she would come back to life. For the next two months, Sister Mary Bernadett and her two children prayed for Middlesworth's resurrection while listening to hymns on the stereo and burning incense. The vigil was interrupted, however, by a meddling Juneau County sheriff's deputy, responding to a concerned call from the temporarily dead woman's sister. The deputy summoned Bishop Bushey to the premises, where he confirmed that he had received signs from God that Middlesworth would be brought back to life. Both Bushey and Lewis were charged with causing mental harm to children. The children were sent to foster care. And the body of Middlesworth was sent to the coroner's office, where an autopsy is being performed. Let's hope it's a precise autopsy, because if any vital organs are touched, God will be pissed.


that calvinist doug | 12:08 pm on 5/12/2008

If only Priscilla Presley had opted for the same course of action, we'd still be enjoying the king's mellow tones...or maybe he'd still be dead, who can really tell?

BJ | 02:41 pm on 5/12/2008

The king is not dead. I saw him last week in a quick stop buying a slirpy. He was bent over holding his head. I asked what was wrong. Slirpy tumor he said. I told him that I had watched a lot of Benny Hinn and I could pray for God to relieve his pain. I prayed for him and in 5 minutes the pain was gone. He said thank ye, thank ye very much. He wasn't wearing underwear.

BJ | 02:41 pm on 5/12/2008

Neither am I.

that calvinist doug | 03:32 pm on 5/12/2008

PLEASE don't mention your lack of underwear and a slurpy in the same sentence....shiver.

Process Deist | 04:27 pm on 5/12/2008

I am wearing my Native-American underwear.
I keeps creeping up on me.

Process Deist | 04:16 pm on 5/12/2008

SEE ! My Mother was right.
Always wear clean underwear. Avoid the embarrassment and shame of being grievously injured or dying while wearing worn/torn or dirty undergarments.
I am sure that the family of Magdeline Alvina Middlesworth found some measure of solace in her fastidious yet belated rectitude.

budda | 04:25 pm on 5/12/2008

I think a postmortem fastidious rectitude is what the dead guy on the toilet from Clerks had that got into Dante's girlfriend.

Lilly | 04:49 pm on 5/12/2008

Was that Snowball Jackson?

Anonymous | 10:14 pm on 5/12/2008

No, they were more of a blue shade.

Anonymous | 10:16 pm on 5/12/2008

Well, actually, it was more about how the light hit them.

SRebbe | 04:56 pm on 5/12/2008

Sister's gots kids and the Father received signs from 'god' that the dead, yeayyy, shall be raised... WTF was Magdeline smoking in that bathroom to cause such fumes?

Process Deist | 10:26 pm on 5/12/2008

I think poor Magdeline was pretty much down to seeds and stems.
Now the other adults involved, must have been making out like a big dog.

Donna_B | 03:04 pm on 5/13/2008

And the 3 words we all want to hear at our own funerals:

Look, s/he's breathing!

Anonymous | 06:15 pm on 5/14/2008

Grow up. What an idiotic bunch of tripe. Get a life that doesn't reflect a Will Farrell movie subplot.

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