Joe Bob Briggs's picture
Joe Bob Briggs
Founder, Focus on the Dysfunctional Family
04.18.2008 | Comments(11)

Pope Benedict, Please Keep Looking For It, Have You Checked Under the Bed?

The Holy Prepuce—which is the, ahem, foreskin of Jesus—has been missing since 1983, but all the bishops and priests who might be able to shed light on the matter of its whereabouts have been silenced by papal decree. Therefore The Wittenburg Door put in a formal request for an audience with the Pope this week, specifically to ask him, as the only authorized person who can speak about this, just exactly why the Holy Prepuce has not been seen for 25 years, even though it’s supposed to be taken down from the bronze doors over the altar in the Church of the Most Holy Name of Jesus in Calcata, Italy, and displayed each January 1st during the Feast of the Holy Circumcision. At one time you could have received 10 years off your sentence in Purgatory simply by showing up for the unveiling of the sacred foreskin. Of course our founder Martin Luther wouldn’t approve of that, so we’ll pass on the actual indulgence—we would just like to see the priapic relic before we die. If the priests in Calcata lost it, then please just go ahead and tell us now, you’re only making it worse by trying to hide your mistakes, although we can definitely imagine how humiliating it would be to lose something that had been around for almost 1,200 years, ever since Charlemagne received it from an angel and gave it to Pope Leo III. There’s still time for that interview with the Pope, though, and if it’s easier for him, he can even answer by email, because we only have this one question: Where is the Sacred Whangdoodle Remnant?


The Pope | 09:01 am on 4/18/2008

Sorry about taking so long to get back to you.
The Holy Prepuce, kept at the Church of the Most Holy Name of Jesus, stored above the Holy Alter, was discovered by the Holy Church Mice. It became a Holy Chew-toy. I have since dispatched a Holy Cat to prevent further losses.

SRebbe | 02:35 pm on 4/18/2008

keep a lid on the Holy Tupperware next time.

The Faith Voice | 10:39 am on 4/19/2008

At you can discuss this issue, share your opinions with others and get to know what other people have to say. Be a part of the debate!

BJ | 08:25 am on 4/21/2008

The last time I saw it, it was next to the Holy pubic hair just behind the Holy toe nail clippings. You might have to move the snake oil to get to it.

SRebbe | 12:00 pm on 4/21/2008

BJ, wondering where you popped off to. Someone let you out of your Tupperware?

BJ | 06:42 am on 4/23/2008

I've been on a quest to find my own foreskin.

Convoy | 10:39 am on 4/22/2008

Now let us turn to page 349 in our hymnals and sing, "O Sacred head now wounded"

60613 | 11:37 am on 4/24/2008

Oh dear! Here's the first stanza - written by that holy purveyor of many truths, Bernard of Clairveaux. It seems that someone might have stolen the sacred head, and hidden it in a briar patch.

"O sacred Head, now wounded, with grief and shame weighed down,
Now scornfully surrounded with thorns, Thine only crown;
O sacred Head, what glory, what bliss till now was Thine!
Yet, though despised and gory, I joy to call Thee mine."

Dave | 12:03 am on 4/24/2008

It's a little too easy to start in on the more bizarre remnants of the Roman Catholic faith. Why, you could do columns for years and years. Don't get me started on Saint Padre Pio...
But: the world is full of good that Catholic believers did. Mother Teresa, after all, wasn't a Unitarian.
Christianity took many magic and pagan beliefs along with it, but all this is beside the point...

60613 | 11:38 am on 4/24/2008

See... if Jesus was really Mexican instead of Jewish we WOULD NOT HAVE THIS PROBLEM!

that calvinist doug | 02:51 pm on 4/25/2008

Yeah, 'cause God knows, the Mexicans have no weirdness.

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