John Bloom's picture
07.21.2008 | Comments(38)

Christ, That Hurt

Okay, obviously nobody can resist a video of uber-atheist Christopher Hitchens being waterboarded. Vanity Fair has apparently resorted to making bad YouTube videos in order to promote itself–in this case, the Hitchens article “Believe Me, It’s Torture.” But I have questions for Christopher, starting with: Do you always get waterboarded by guys dressed up like cat burglars? Hitchens ShowerAnd couldn’t you just climb onto the board? Why do you have to be bound like a paralysis victim and then lifted on and off it? Did you get waterboarded while drunk or something? Come to think of it, maybe you could have lasted more than 10 seconds if they’d used vodka instead of water when they were sprinkling you out of that Clorox bottle. And that’s another thing: it looked like they sprinkled about, oh, two fingers of a shot glass worth of Evian water through a towel. Is that really all it takes? Maybe I’m in favor of waterboarding after all. You think you’re drowning but there’s no way in hell you could even get wet. Those who’ve watched the video know that Hitchens was given a safety word if he wanted to abort the demonstration, but contrary to rumors on the blogosphere, that word was not “Jesusislord.”

Anglican Steel Cage Death Match Might Be Postponed


They won’t be singing Kumbayah this week at the Lambeth Conference, the every-ten-year meeting of the entire Anglican communion, especially since 200 bishops will be boycotting the event, including my recent dinner companion, Archbishop Peter Akinola of Nigeria, who used the word “apostates” to describe some of his fellow clerics at the recent Global Anglican Future Conference (GAFCON) in Jerusalem. The conservatives all but admitted they held GAFCON to intentionally upstage Lambeth, declaring themselves a “church within the church” that was tired of complaining about liberal doctrine that the church leaders are obviously loathe to change. But N.T. Wright, the respected Bishop of Durham who’s on the short list to be the future Archibishop of Canterbury and who once made the mistake of giving an interview to the Door’s own Becky Garrison, called the GAFCON movement “strange in form and uncertain in destination,” and encouraged the renegade bishops to reconsider and bring their “rich experience and gospel-driven exuberance to the larger party where the rest of us are working day and night for the same gospel, the same biblical wisdom, the same Lord.” Some of the conservatives will indeed show up at Lambeth, but they don’t wanna sit next to the gay guy. And the Archbishop of Canterbury appears to be floating a last-ditch effort to make the theocons happy: he’s creating a cadre of “superbishops” to supervise churches that object to being led by a female–because, oh yeah, there’s that problem, too, the fact that 14 years ago the Anglicans started ordaining women and now they’re about to have the first female bishops. No wonder several of the Anglican dissidents were recently seen darting in and out of offices at the Vatican. In 1994, 500 Anglican priests became, overnight, Catholic priests. Benedict is hoping for a new harvest. And, by the way, the first superbishop was created in the 1970s, by Monty Python.

Barack Loves Jesus Again

Obama Glory

Uh oh, Barack Obama was using the phrase “personal commitment to Christ” last week, and we know what happens when the Obamameister starts getting all evangelical on us–he ends up interpreting scripture. Fortunately, he hasn’t given us any more exegesis lately, but he did come out for expansion of the Bush administration’s faith-based programs. Would that be the same programs that, uh, were roundly condemned as failures after special assistant to the President Doug Wead was drummed out of the White House for making secret tapes of the Prez? Yes, they would be, but that had nothing to do with the original vision of the programs, as Jim Wallis of Sojourners explained in a virtual endorsement of Obama during the same week that Obama’s handlers explicitly stated that they were seeking the support of the “religious left.” They were seeking it, by the way, in Zanesville, Ohio, hometown of Zane Grey, holder of the all-time record for novels made into movies (over 200), and not a member of the religious left. If this goes on much longer, Obama will be in danger of saying something akin to Howard Dean’s comment in 2004, when asked what his favorite New Testament book was. If you’ll recall, the answer was Job. There wasn’t much spin for his handlers to put on that one.

Last Time the Romans Showed Up, the Trojans Lost

The Popemobile is in Australia this week for World Youth Day, and our sources in the Anglican church tell us that there’s an organized effort to drop condoms on the Pope’s head. So far there have been no papal condom showers, but if they do go through with it, I hope they’re not ribbed condoms. After all, he’s an elderly man.


that calvinist doug | 02:14 pm on 7/22/2008

DEAR GOD! Get that nekkid man's picture off my computer screen! I've just eaten lunch!

Bryan | 01:59 pm on 8/23/2009

Why not do an article on Christian ponzi artists...

Anonymous | 03:41 am on 12/14/2009


pigseye | 03:44 pm on 7/22/2008

John this was an excellent article. Maybe we could make a jerry lewis film script out of it. We could star jim carrey with enough mugging and stupid noises, it might pass as sophamoric.
I think you guys should hire farley J fonebone to edit this stuff before it airs.

mountainguy | 08:07 pm on 7/22/2008

I've always listened that europeans (english people included) take a bath once a week (or maybe we latinos have shower very frequently by doing it everyday)... so the probabilities of making a video of Hitchens nuke in his shower are almost null??

Angelique | 08:20 pm on 7/22/2008

Maybe that's why the waterboarding didn't last very long.

JoshH | 08:34 pm on 7/22/2008

Well, yeah...everyone knows that if you were trying to waterboard Chris with, or whiskey, he's probably love it.

UNCLE KENNY | 10:11 am on 7/23/2008

It is torture. . .if you are a wimp, like Hitchens apparently is from watching the video. My goodness, it looked like they used two capfuls of water from that milk jug, and most of it went on his forehead.

Of course, I don't have room to to talk. . .I would have thrown those bolts on the ground and screamed the "safe" word the moment I entered the room and heard that awful music that was playing in the background of the video!

Anonymous | 02:21 am on 12/29/2009

I agree, that guy is a total pussy. I do that to myself just to get rid of a hangover.

SRebbe | 08:15 pm on 7/23/2008

is it just me or does the pic look like he's [poorly] attempting to wax?

Lilly | 10:00 pm on 7/23/2008

[poorly] attempting to wax?
Would that be anything akin to rubbing the fur off the monkey.

SRebbe | 04:09 pm on 7/25/2008

and why smoking in the shower? really... all you get is a soggy butt (pun fully intended).

all I see is a bad Robert DeNiro pic. *shudder*

Lilly | 04:54 pm on 7/25/2008

I bet his ash is wet.

Lilly | 04:54 pm on 7/25/2008

And, his ash is also ugly.

mountainguy | 07:53 pm on 7/25/2008

Off course.. this classical rock hit called "smoke on the shower"

Tiggy | 07:52 pm on 6/15/2009

I like you, Lily, your jokes are even dirtier than mine. :-)


madmonq | 06:51 am on 7/24/2008

It's times like this that I'm convinced it's OK to have some shame. It could've prevented us from seeing pictures of semi-nude, semi-drunk, fat male atheists. Someone get that man a light.

Vodka waterboard would be an excellent name for a drink.

JoshH | 07:45 pm on 7/24/2008

Semi-drunk? That's a horrible thing to say about Chris Hitchens.

He's never semi-drunk, he's 100% DRUNK.

Cynth The Poet | 01:01 am on 7/31/2008

Stop it, you guys! I'm practically waterboarded over with laughter.

Anonymous | 10:33 am on 4/22/2010

As Dave Barry would say, Vodka Waterboard would also be an excellent name for a rock band.

Catherine, in Seattle | 08:36 pm on 7/30/2008

No one likes to be waterboarded, that's why it's considered torture, unless it's your side doing it. I think Hitch learned a few things about torture, fear and panic, and what it all means to an alcoholic Englishman experiencing helplessness.

Still, what was worse for *me* was the shower photo. Please, John, we did nothing to deserve that.

Catherine, in Seattle | 08:39 pm on 7/30/2008

"It could've prevented us from seeing pictures of semi-nude, semi-drunk, fat male atheists." - Madmonq

Technically, it's not any worse than seeing pictures of semi-nude, semi-drunk, fat male Christians.

budda | 04:36 pm on 7/31/2008

Amen sister. The door just can't win though. What I don't understand is all the complaints they got the last time they showed pictures of semi-nude beautiful people. Sometimes you can't please everyone.

Catherine, in Seattle | 07:29 pm on 7/31/2008

Actually have no problem with anyone's looks, or state of imbibement, as a rule. Only jumped in because it seems lopsided to slam one side without adequately comparing the same judgemnet against the other side. If the slam works for both, it's on its way to being truth. If it doesn't hold for all sides, the criticism fails. In my humble opinion.

Kinda like the idea that Hitchins would submit himself to the ordeal in the interest of fairness, curiosity, journalistic integrity, or sheer boredom with his life. In any case, two thumbs up.

Catherine, in Seattel | 07:30 pm on 7/31/2008

...or semi-nudity...

pigsey | 06:42 am on 8/17/2008

Try making them wait in a doctors office for an hour...with nothing but home and garden and Vanity fair magazines. Add a little elevator music, "we've only just begun", by the carpenters.
And throw in a " PAGING DR. BORSCHT TO PROCTOLOGY " every 15 seconds. Believe me they'll talk.

Inspired by Fugazi, WAITING ROOM.

Catherine, in Seattle | 01:00 am on 8/25/2008

Actually, it would be good luck to find Better Homes & Gardens... what I usually get stuck with is "AAA -Journey" and Golf Digests.

Always look forward to "Highlights".

Anonymous | 03:28 pm on 9/18/2008

How long, o Lord, must we continue to look at naked Hitch on the top of this site?

Anonymous | 02:59 pm on 10/27/2008

Let me get this straight. 1) The longest a tough-guy terrorist could go was 2 minutes before he broke down and provided information. 2) He suffered no serious injury from the experience? (this is not actually confirmed or denied by the article, to be fair). Sorry, I still haven't been convinced why it shouldn't be included in the Ethical Interrogator's arsenal. Certainly, "because Chris Hitchens couldn't handle it" isn't gonna change my mind. The liability waiver certainly doesn't convince me either, considering just how many activities one must sign a waiver for before they'll let you participate. Comparing waterboarding to slavery certainly was a classy move too, while I'm at it.

Richard Scott Nokes | 08:30 am on 11/03/2008

Small correction to the heading "Last Time the Romans Showed Up, the Trojans Lost." -- Actually, it was the Greeks in the Trojan War. If Virgil is to be believed, the Romans ARE the Trojans, or at least the descendants of the Trojan diaspora.

Of course, then the joke doesn't quite work, does it...

Jack | 12:19 pm on 3/22/2009

why do we hhave to watch a guy take a shower


Tiggy | 07:55 pm on 6/15/2009

Are you sure the picture isn't Christopher Biggins, the fat, gay British guy who won 'I'm a Celebrity - Get me out of here' - the British equivalent of 'Survivor'? It looks rather like him...

TR | 01:30 pm on 7/27/2009

Checked into WD after a loooong hiatus to see what is up - and noticed this aging post still posted large. Speaking of which...

What's the point of this post besides poking fun at an aging, bloated, drunk (if only because he's an atheist version)? Waterboarding isn't torture? Is effective at gaining accurate new information? Might as well ask Torquemada. Sounds like another lame attempt to appear "edgy". Which reminds me why I haven't been here in awhile...

Cory | 10:08 am on 1/13/2010

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Anonymous | 12:04 pm on 3/06/2011

A Prayer From Jesus

Jesus has giving this task to me. For someone has to tell you,

You ARE, going to hell

Why? You ask. You believed man instead of what Jesus has established as salvation. For those who do not want to end up in the lake of fire Pray this prayer

These are the last days, This is your last chance.
Pray the Prayer from Jesus, and KNOW!


This prayer is from Jesus that we may hear from Him, that He may speak to our hearts. It only consist of three simple steps.

1, We need to read one scripture. This will focus us in the word that brings everlasting life.

2, Since this prayer is from Jesus we need to direct our prayer to Him personally. Too often Christian focuses they're prayer's to G_D or Father. Scripture proclaims, that Jesus should be the focus of our prayer.

3, The simplest part of this Prayer is to ask Jesus one question. Please, all that is required for this question is that it should be simple. Let Jesus Himself finish the question when He gives you that understanding through this prayer.

A) The scripture that is the focus of this prayer is "ACTS 2:38". It's not necessary to do any study into this scripture. Jesus will give you the understanding that will resonate in your heart. Just read Acts 2:38, keep it in your heart and take this one scripture to prayer

B) The most important part of this prayer is that we need to direct our prayer directly to Jesus. If you normally would say Father in your prayer, change your focus from the Father to Jesus, by lifting Jesus name up every time you would normally use Father in your prayer.

C) Maybe the hardest part of this prayer is the question that we need to ask Jesus. For man is always trying to understand the question, instead of listening to the answer. The simplest question is all that is required.

Simply ask Jesus, 'WHY'?

For those who are obedient

شات الرياض | 06:20 am on 4/16/2011

This will focus us in the word that brings everlasting life

بنت الطائف | 07:15 am on 5/01/2011

A recording of the service will be available online soon

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