John Bloom's picture
06.19.2008 | Comments(12)

This Is Better Than Cryogenics

For only $40 a year, you can store the email addresses of all your heathen family members and friends, and they’ll receive messages and documents from you exactly six days after you’re taken up in the Rapture.

raptureThere are no real guidelines for what you should say to those who are Left Behind, but here at The Door we would advise against being excessively snarky. I know it’s tempting, but “nyah nyah nyah” is never attractive in a Christian, even a recently raptured one.

Would God Do That?

Everybody knows that something happened to the Philistines when they captured the Ark of the Covenant and placed it in the temple of their own god, Dagon.

Indiana JonesTraditionally the affliction suffered by the Philistines is called hemorrhoids. Everywhere the Philistines took the Ark, in fact, the people would be stricken with ’opalim, which is translated in the King James as “emerods” and in more modern translations as “tumors.” It’s been assumed that the word denotes some kind of swelling, but that doesn’t explain why there was an injunction against ’opalim being pronounced aloud when the scriptures are read. Now archeologist Aren M. Maeir of Bar-Ilan University in Israel says he’s figured out what the word means. The Philistines, he says, were afflicted with erectile dysfunction. In a fascinating article based on excavations at the Philistine cities of Ashkelon and Tell es-Safi, Maeir concludes that the curse on the Philistines “involved penises rather than hemorrhoids,” although he doesn’t go so far as to say definitely that they were given flaccid members. The meaning could also have been “penile pain.” Let’s ask Harrison Ford. Better yet, let’s ask his wife.

Go to the Light! No, Go Away from the Light!


Spirituality For Kids is the children’s auxiliary of the celebrity-ridden Kabbalah Center of Los Angeles, which now apparently has branches in New York and London--where did you expect? Lawrence, Kansas?--and some people are starting to get a little queasy about children’s spirituality classes taught by Donna Karan, Demi Moore and the Material Girl. Supposedly kids in the New York schools, for example, are taught how to identify the Good Guy voice inside them, and use that instead of the Opponent voice, which will lead them into error, crime and confusion. (This is elementary school we’re talking about. Good angel/bad angel--isn’t that, uh, Manichaean?) Once you’ve identified the Good Guy voice, you can go to the light, and then share the light. Isn’t this what happened in Poltergeist when the little girl got trapped in the demonic dimension? Just asking.

This Caliph Is a Pussycat


The Ahmadi Muslims, who believe among other things that Jesus survived the “attempted crucifixion” and is buried in Kashmir--hey, who has the movie rights for that?--just celebrated the 100th anniversary of the revival of the Caliphate, which is supposed to be the organization run by the guy who’s both the spiritual and temporal leader of all the Muslims in the world but, as it turned out, has just been the leader of the Ahmadi Muslims ever since the first one, in 1908, claimed to be the Messiah and then fell short on special effects. The Ahmadi Muslims are kind of the Seventh-Day Adventists of Islam, prophesying about the end times and then dying and then prophesying some more. They think jihad means “freeing oneself of impurities,” so let’s give a big thumbs up to any denomination that rules out killing infidels.


ny guy | 01:17 am on 6/19/2008

I read about the guys that do the whole "e-mail after the rapture" thing about a year ago. I actually think that its pretty funny. Im sure that they are to the point now that they actually can eek out a decent paycheck from it. They say that they are without a doubt unbelievers so that they will most assuredly be "left behind" and thus be free to fulfill their obligations to their clients... Pretty clever.

Nobody Important | 05:59 am on 6/19/2008

Actually, they claim: "Programmed and run by Christians, for Christians".

What could be more Christian than to leave a "I told you so" message? I thought I'd seen the depths of "Christian" elitism, but this is about as disgusting as it gets.

David Williams | 08:56 am on 6/19/2008

So liberals, backsliders, and Episcopalians can anticipate a great surge of e-mails from their most annoyingly fundamentalist Christian friends? I guess that's why we have spam filters.

smg45acp | 01:49 pm on 6/19/2008

I want an email service to Hal Lindsey stating "It's been fifty years since you said the rapture would be any day now. Will you admit now that you are wrong?"

We are approaching the 40th anniversary of the book that says the world will end any minute now. It's almost too funny to talk about, but there are plans for a 40th anniversary addition.
If I was this wrong about something I'd try to hide it, but rapture-maniacs can be wrong forever and still be considered experts.

JoshH | 06:43 pm on 6/19/2008

You spell like a Hal Lindsey devotee. The word is "edition" not "addition"; sorry, but I have an "addiction" to proper spelling.

Equa Yona | 07:01 pm on 6/19/2008

Hmmm, have you read the New Testament lately? Didja ever notice the part about the disciples still doing a buck and wing when Jesus returns?

Cathy in Seattle! | 07:01 pm on 6/19/2008

"They think jihad means “freeing oneself of impurities,” so let’s give a big thumbs up to any denomination that rules out killing infidels."

Unless you think ridding yourself of impurities involves killing infidels, but hey, I'm not worrying about it. I''ll take anyone who has a modicum of sense.

I'd heard about the rapture-service a while back, and thought it would be funny to send fake emails out to my friends telling them I have signed up for this service, and upon the rapture, they will be getting my passcodes in the mail.

None one took me seriously, as I've been spouting for years that I just wish the rapture would hurry the hell up. I am so sick of some of these guys.

ReneeJoan | 07:26 pm on 6/19/2008


Who presses "send" to send out all those post-rapture e-mails? You can't pre-program it for a certain day, because no one will know in advance when it going to happen. Will there really be time after the rapture has definitely, for absolute certain sure started, for the administrator to hurry over to his/her computer and press the master "send" button before he/she is permanently gathered with the Elect into the clouds?

Will anyone who is "left behind" really care enough to press "send" on behalf of the raptured? Even if some lost soul who KNEW he/she was going to be left out of the rapture fun and festivities made a "Scout's Honor" promise to press "send," would that promise really be kept? What kind of enforcement would be there be to make sure that the "lost/left behind" really would keep their promise to press "send?" And if they didn't, would the raptured hosts "zot" them from Heaven? Would heavenly "zotting" by the thwarted enraptured really be worse than the torments of the tribulation already in progress at that point?

Wouldn't the $40 be better spent helping someone else who really needs it in the present moment?

enquiring minds want to know.


Process Deist | 08:10 pm on 6/19/2008

You can trust me Renee.
I'm a life long Methodist and very liberal.
I will not be Raptured.
You can trust me to press the 'send' button.
By the way....don't send me $40. I will only charge you a couple of cases of beer.

budda | 08:28 pm on 6/19/2008

That would be a good deal deist, but won't two cases of Shiner Bock set her back almost $60.? Unless she lives in Shiner of course..

Process Deist | 09:05 pm on 6/19/2008

Two cases of Shiner Blonde or Bock....$48.
Two cases of Pearl.....$26.
If she buys the cheap stuff, I will still take the deal.
Because that is just the kind of good guy I am.

Nobody Important | 06:13 am on 6/20/2008

You are NOT a good guy. You dared to mention Shiner and Pearl in the same sentence, thus verifying that you will never be raptured. Enjoy the tribulation, infidel.

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