Colorado, the everyone-should-be-nice state, passed legislation intended to stop bullying by students. The statute specifies three months of detention for "Hey, Buttface, your ass is grass!," two months of detention for "I better not see you on this street after school, Dickweed!," and one month for "Your mother wears Army boots!"

Scientists discovered that, when the universe was .000000000000000000000000000000001 of one second old, it created "energy fluctuations at the quantum scale" that resemble a harmonic hum, recorded by a microwave detector at the South Pole. What this means is that the Big Bang had an afterglow and that the universe is multi-orgasmic, but nothing compared to that first one.

Michael Crawley, football coach of the Cudahy Middle School Bulldogs in Cudahy, Wisconsin, didn’t like the way a 12-year-old split end executed a block on Crawley’s son, so he ran onto the field, grabbed the kid by his face mask, shouted numerous obscenities at him including calling him a “bastard” and a “m----f-----,” screamed “I should f------ kill you!”, then picked him up and body-slammed him to the ground, professional wrestling-style, according to the other coaches who witnessed the incident. While another coach tended to Crawley’s injured son, Crawley stormed off the field, still cussing, and squealed his tires as he pealed out, leaving a majority of the Bulldog team in tears. Eventually Crawley told a cop “I lost my cool,” but that didn’t stop police from charging him with assault and abuse of a minor, which seems a little harsh since he was probably just trying to motivate his team. After all, the Bulldogs hail from Vince Lombardi’s state.

Louise Ogburn was working at the McDonald’s in Mount Washington, Kentucky, when someone pretending to be a police officer called the burger joint and described Ogburn as a woman who should be detained in the back room because she was accused of theft from a customer. For the next three and a half hours, Ogburn was forced to strip and perform sex acts on the fiancé of an assistant manager while David Stewart, the hoax caller, stayed on the phone. Eventually a Shepherdsville jury awarded Ogburn $6.1 million in damages, but The Door would like to issue this warning to all female fast-food employees: When the police officer asks you to take your clothes off and have sex, a) he’s probably not a police officer, and b) if he is, you can get him in trouble. Okay, girls, write this down. Thank you.

Two fifth-grade boys got into a shoving match in Columbus, Ohio, and after school the boys’ fathers had harsh words in the school parking lot. It got so bad that the principal had to call police, and the families were asked to return to school the next morning for counseling. After the counseling session, the two families ran into each other in the parking lot outside, and one father killed the other one with his fists, thereby teaching the fifth-graders the lesson that, if you start something, you should finish it.

The Sacramento Convention and Visitors Bureau commissioned a nude statue of the Greek god Poseidon for its front lawn, then had clothing placed over his privates. After all, any god with a three-pronged spear who lives at the bottom of the ocean doesn't need to prove anything. Presumably Poseidon was chosen to promote the beautiful beaches of central inland California.

Zeta Psi, the Dartmouth College fraternity that inspired the 1978 film Animal House, was closed down by university authorities. Their crime? Publishing a newsletter called "Zete-mouth" that rated women who had sex with fraternity members and promised "patented date rape techniques" in upcoming issues. Obviously Dean Wormer still doesn't know the meaning of the word "satire." And now there can only be one solution: Togaaaaaaaa!

In Lake Alfred, Florida, a replica of Michelangelo's David had to be adorned with a makeshift jockstrap after residents complained that David's whangdoodle, even in a somewhat limp condition, was creating embarrassing questions from their children. The 500-pound five-foot statue stood buck nekkid outside the Fountain and Falls shop until City Manager Jim Drumm asked shop manager Chuck Cole to sarong the offending member. Drumm admitted there are no city codes or statutes banning sculpture, but asked Cole as a courtesy to thong the schlong. Now the statue is attracting even more attention, as Cole has wrapped David's taut thighs in a leopard-print bandana, causing curious children to unsheath the love glove.

Anthony Morgan, a pub owner in Aberbeeg, Abertillery, South Wales, entered his friend Stephen Clarke’s house, only to discover Morgan’s wife of 21 years there as well, wearing only a towel and eating Chinese food from a takeout container. Jumping to conclusions, Anthony attacked both of them with a child’s cricket bat, breaking his wife’s nose, only to discover later—while serving a nine-month prison sentence—that she had become nude simply so she wouldn’t get drippings from the Chinese food on his clothes. If people would only investigate before they take such drastic action, we could keep more families together.

Okay, it’s true that Craig McCullough was caught lying next to a blow-up party doll with his pants down in the public restroom of an office building in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, but what was really unfair is when they brought up at this trial his previous arrest for burglarizing the Just For Me bridal boutique and toting away a mannequin in a bridal dress. He obviously learned his lesson the first time and he buys his girlfriends now, he doesn’t abduct them, give the guy some credit.

Swish: My Quest to Become the Gayest Person Ever is a book that Dr. Dobson will probably want to read when it comes out on May 13, because among the many adventures Joel Derfner describes—his determination to sign up for needlepoint and flower arranging classes while still a child at summer camp, his claim to be the fiercest step aerobics instructor in the universe, his career in musical theater, his flirtation with go-go dancing, his commitment to fad diets and Internet dating—he carries out a spy mission at one of those Focus on the Family programs where they try to “cure” people of homosexuality. Apparently things get gnarly and he has to fight his way out with a feather boa or something—Broadway Books is not telling exactly what happens—but this title is shaping up to sell way more copies than his first literary venture, Gay Haiku.

It’s been a tough year for the Reverend Michael Moynihan. First he had to resign as pastor of St. Michael the Archangel in Greenwich, Connecticut, after being caught embezzling $500,000. Demoted to the job of chaplain at State University of New York Maritime College in the Bronx, he was then caught sharing a New York apartment with an actor, and so now he’s been defrocked. Which means one gay guy in your apartment is worth more than a half million dollars to the Catholic church. I wonder how far you could push that.

Jan David Clark of Odessa, Texas, was trying to exorcse a demon from his wife Susan by pinning her face down on the bathroom floor, but the devil entered his body and killed Susan, who ended up wrapped in a bed sheet with a cross and a sword on top of her body. It’s unclear what happened to the original demon.

About 250 students—members of the Zeta Tau Alpha sorority and their dates—drove in a convoy from the University of Florida campus in Gainesville to the Columbia Restaurant in the Ybor City tourist district of Tampa for a semi-formal date night. According to restaurant personnel, 80 percent of the group arrived drunk, resulting in fistfights, stolen liquor from the bar, “vomiting throughout the restaurant,” a broken bathroom toilet, and a handle ripped off the door of the 102-year-old establishment. The entire sorority was ejected, but not before these young women exhibited the sort of grace under pressure that Zeta Tau Alpha is famous for!

Tiffany Sutton of Tempe, Arizona, didn’t really mean to attack her boyfriend Robert McDaniel with a knife, slice his leg, puncture his arm, shoulder and back, and cut into his neck and stomach, then chase him down with a pickax. You see, what happened is that she thought she was a vampire and she just wanted to taste his blood, and since they’d already agreed that she could tie him up, she just got thirsty and there was all that available hemoglobin there and well, you see how that could easily get out of control. Maricopa County Superior Court Judge David Udall patiently listened to her explanation, then sentenced her to 10 years in prison, ruling out the possibility of an early wedding.

Michael Divine should have been home with his family, but instead he was drinking at the Carriage House Bar in the Park Slope neighborhood of Brooklyn. According to police, he asked the man sitting next to him who he thought would win the Super Bowl, the New York Giants or the New England Patriots? When the man answered New England, Divine punched him in the face, knocking him to the floor, then repeatedly kicked him in the head. Divine was later picked up at Grandma’s house. Thank God Grandma is a Giants fan.

When a fight broke out at a skating rink in Iberia Parish, Louisiana, police claimed it was caused by the rabble-rousing music being played over the P.A. system. So officers confiscated CDs as "evidence of a crime," including "The Hokey Pokey," "Jingle Bells," "The Bossa Nova," and the soundtrack from Disney's "Tarzan." We know which song we can blame it on, don't we?

According to police, Pavel Andreenko went on a swastika-painting spree, spraying schools, houses, cars and businesses in Brooklyn, then calling 911 to report seeing the swastikas painted by a Jewish man who bore a strong resemblance to the new boyfriend of Pavel’s ex-girlfriend. Andreenko, a heroin addict with previous arrests for drugs, criminal mischief and possession of stolen property, was charged with 22 counts of criminal mischief and aggravated harassment after being caught with white spray paint all over his clothes. No one could explain why someone would think it was a good idea to frame a Jew for swastika-painting, but then he was obviously in luuuuuuuuv.

Sean Jennings of Spokane, Washington, asked his wife to help out with the Halloween Haunted House he was building in their garage. According to police, he had her climb a ladder in order to test the strength of a noose that would be used to hold a skeleton. As soon as she put the noose around her neck, the husband turned on a loud radio and jerked the ladder away. She was able to remain alive by periodically supporting herself on the tips of her toes, then barely escaped, only to be caught by her husband again, who made her promise she would never divorce him and would never tell anyone what he had done to her. She kept her promise until the day he drove her to Wal-Mart, where she called police from a pay phone. Apparently Sean feared a divorce, but he did not fear a dead wife. At some point we want this one turned over to Dr. Phil.

Rosa Maria Solano, a contestant on a Colombian game show called “Nothing But the Truth,” won $25,000 when she admitted hiring someone to kill her husband. The crime was never carried out because the hitman tipped off the husband and he ran away. The program, which features a lie detector machine, is being repackaged as “Moment of Truth” on the Fox network in the U.S. But it will take more than $25,000 to unveil a spouse murder in this country. (Actually it won’t. The average price for a hitman is less than $10,000.)

Alan Jenkins, a steelworker in Port Talbot, South Wales, was such a happy family man that he spent $1,775 and went through a painful 20-hour procedure to get life-sized tattoos of his wife Lisa and two daughters inked onto his back. Shortly thereafter, the aforesaid 36-year-old wife ended 15 years of marital bliss by running off with a 25-year-old Latvian fitness instructor. She says “I didn’t plan to fall in love with Kaspars, it just happened.”

James Edward McKee of Hodges, South Carolina, while watching a movie on television with his girlfriend, remarked that one of the actresses in the movie was “a fine young lady.” The girlfriend then suggested that perhaps McKee should marry “the fine young lady.” McKee became angry, went into the kitchen, and the girlfriend followed. According to police, he then grabbed her and stabbed her in the wrist with a kitchen knife. By the time police arrived, McKee had driven off. He was found a few days later, but apparently had not yet hooked up with the fine young lady, as he was apprehended alone.

Sixteen-year-old Tess Damm of Lafayette, Colorado, thought her mother Linda was just way too controlling and strict, so Tess asked her 18-year-old boyfriend, Bryan Grove, to do something about it. Grove stabbed the mom 18 times, leaving the body in her car for almost an entire month (yes, it must have been an isolated parking space) while the lovebirds used mom’s debit card. Eventually the Colorado authorities, frowning on this turn of events, jailed and indicted the two crazy teens, and unfortunately they’re not likely to be able to consummate their love now, even on visitation days.

Johnna Briggs (no relation) of Jacksonville, Florida, was upset that her son was being bullied on his bus ride home from school, so she packed a pistol and waited for the bus at a Westside stop. As each student got off the bus, she waved the gun in their faces, saying “Does anyone have something to say?” and “You can all get some of this.” Presumably sometime later, in her cell at the county jail, someone told her that her actions were unlikely to make the children henceforth think of her son as “one of us.” (On second thought, maybe there is a relation.)

The Rev. Gary Michael Aldridge, pastor of Thorington Road Baptist Church in Montgomery, Alabama, was found dead in his home with his hands and feet bound behind his back, dressed in two rubberized suits. State medical examiner Stephen Boudreau ruled the cause of death as “accidental mechanical asphyxia” and told church members that “these things happen—we see probably two of these a year.” The other one is normally Methodist, however.

A truck driver identified only as Tseng was granted a divorce in Taipei, Taiwan, after telling the court that his jealous wife, Huang, had been threatening to cut off his penis for two years and kept a sharpened knife by their bedside to let him know she was serious. Fearing a mental breakdown, because Huang would often wake him up just to tell him that he would soon be separated from his male member, Tseng opted for the un-Biblical single life.

When Virgilio Cintron keeled over dead in his apartment in the Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood of New York, his roommate James P. O’Hare and a friend, David J. Dalaia, propped up the corpse in an office chair READ MORE...

According to police, Jeanette Strowder of Chicago found her boyfriend’s stash of pornographic DVD’s, got a pistol, and shot him dead in the South Side home that the two of them shared. A tragedy that could have been averted by the purchase of a ten-dollar marriage license.

Sheryl Lenora Ross of Dewey, Arizona, couldn't get her husband and 10-year-old son to listen to her, especially after they ran out of the house and locked themselves in the family car to get away from her screaming READ MORE...

It started out as a perfectly casual marital conversation. In the southern Johor region of Malaysia, a 43-year-old Indonesian worker was relaxing in bed with his 48-year-old first wife, telling her all about his new second wife, who is in her 30s and, according to the husband, has amazing sexual skills. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the wife grabbed a kitchen knife READ MORE...